In Eight Steps to Happiness Geshe-la says "'Self' and 'other' are relative terms, rather like 'this mountain' and 'that mountain ... 'This' and 'that' therefore depend upon our point of reference. This is also true of self and other. By climbing down the mountain of self, it is possible to ascend the mountain of other, and thereby cherish others as much as we presently cherish ourself."

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

No "Sandwich" This Week - or "Hold the Chemo"

I have an empty sandwich this week - it's my week off of chemo. Hooray!
I'll still get the daily bread  of radiation M-F, but that is, as they say, a "piece of cake," compared to chemo ... for me, anyway. I don't mean to downplay that radiation affects patients, physically, mentally, spiritually. It definitely is doing something strange to my inner energy winds, which I will have to write about another time.

So I celebrate not having chemo. If you didn't have chemo today, you can celebrate too!
A "meaningful absence," as we say in Buddhism about the profound wisdom subject called emptiness or ultimate truth. Writing about that subject now is way beyond me.
If you've ever had your car towed from a parking place, you know the feeling: You're on the sidewalk looking at the spot where you left your car; a friend comes up to see why you're looking at this empty space; you're stunned because you're looking at where your car used to be; all your friend sees is the empty space - but it's a meaningful absence for you because you were expecting something there..
The clearest explanation of this topic I have ever read - or can even imagine - is in Geshe Kelsang Gyatso's latest book, Modern Buddhism.

This is the rhythm of my days.
My treatment cycle beings with a double-hit of chemo. Not only is it 2 chemo drugs, but the 1 drug (Cisplatin) is considered quite strong. When I get chemo, it's on Wednesdays.
The next 2 weeks I just get 1 chemo (Taxol), which is relatively easy to take.
The 4th week I get chemo off.
I'm not sure how many "cycles" or "rounds" of chemo I'll be getting, where 1 round is the 4 weeks-worth of chemo. It all depends on how it's working, which they check based on my symptoms, CT and MRI imaging, and blood tests.
As I mentioned, I also get radiation every weekday, at 2pm. My radiation plan calls for 20 treatments, and I just finished #10. Halfway!

There's also the rhythm of my energy, within a day and over the cycle.
Mornings I'm at my best; after dinner I'm in bed.
Did you know that the fatiguing effects of chemo only kick in a few days after the treatment? And that over time, the fatigue accumulates?
This is a very good week for me because I am farthest away from the 1-2 punch of the Cisplatin and Taxol, and because the last week there's no chemo so that my body can get a break and recover.

These cycles remind me of the way Gen Khedrub talks about the rhythm of TTP: focusing on studying, focusing on group discussion, then focusing on meditation retreat.

Don't worry about my empty sandwich - I still have lots to eat.

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