In Eight Steps to Happiness Geshe-la says "'Self' and 'other' are relative terms, rather like 'this mountain' and 'that mountain ... 'This' and 'that' therefore depend upon our point of reference. This is also true of self and other. By climbing down the mountain of self, it is possible to ascend the mountain of other, and thereby cherish others as much as we presently cherish ourself."

Thursday, October 11, 2012

My Trial

My clinical trial, that is.
I'm sorry I didn't post an update sooner - it seems a bit rude after asking for prayers. In my, umm,  defense I will say my life has been much more eventful than usual, not even accounting for the tire blowout, which I will try to write about that in another post.

Your prayers helped make my choice very clear: I am going to take advantage of qualifying for the clinical trial of a very promising new anti-cancer drug (technically it's not chemo, although I will also be getting 2 chemo drugs I've had before). I am so happy to have this chance, as it could be a game changer. Or not. But I am optimistic. Something tells me this could work very well for me.
There are a lot of safeguards. I can drop out any time, for any reason. In fact, even though it's an experimental drug, it's not particularly risky, and, because it's targeted at the tumor's DNA, it has fewer side effects than chemo drugs.  Those other options I was considering will still be there later if this doesn't work out.

I start next Friday, Oct 19th. I will get treatment for several days each week for 3 weeks, then there's a 1-week break, continuing for 6 months or until I go back into remission or need to stop treatment. The protocol dictated a 4-week waiting period to make sure nothing unexpected happens with the first group of 3 that's on this trial.
There had been some urgency to the decision, because I was almost in the first group and would have started immediately. I am grateful to Uma, who very quickly gave me invaluable research and advice I did not have access to. Combined with prayers and what I found out myself, from relatives in the field and the Internet, I am confident that I made the best decision I was capable of.

It's amazing to me that I qualify for this clinical trial. I first heard about this drug, which is classed as a PARP inhibitor, two years ago and have been keeping my eye on it ever since. Whenever I've brought it up with doctors or nurses, however, they've always said that even if there was an open trial, I was unlikely to qualify for it, because of my brain metastasis or the amount of chemo I've had. A clinical trial is the only way to get the drug and thankfully the drug company is paying for it because it is outrageously expensive. There are only 50 of us. So it's "suspicious" that they let me in. Not only that, but the trial is in Seattle, when people often travel long distances to be in a trial, and it is even at the same place where I have been getting my chemo the last few years. And I will still be under the care of my beloved oncologist, not the principal investigator of the trial, who is down the hall. It's very suspicious.

I am using that word after hearing a Kadampa friend use it to describe the unusual circumstances that lead to her new job. She thought the odds were very long of getting hired as a teacher when many of her more qualified and experienced colleagues were submitting many resumes and not even getting an interview. She meant it wasn't ordinary that they hired her. Prayers again. We both think Dorje Shugden arranged these conditions for us.

At class on Tuesday, Jody mentioned that Gen Khedrub used the word "suspicious" at last weekend's emptiness retreat. I wasn't there, but R told me it was based on a quote from Arya Deva that, "Even the mere suspicion that objects lack inherent existence wrecks the seeds of samsara."

This clinical trial feels like it was manifested out of emptiness by my Spiritual Guide. As further evidence, the day after everything very quickly came together, it all dissolved away, when my oncologist was, suspiciously, out of town teaching. In his absence, there were karmic, comic miscommunications and bad phone connections. No one seemed to know who I was, even though they had been given my name the previous day. I wondered if Dorje Shugden had set up obstacles to protect me, so I and others made prayers for him to continue if that was the case, but to remove them if they were in fact obstacles. When my doctor returned on Monday, everything got sorted out, and this opportunity re-appeared.

When I told CraigS this story about my treatment opportunity and my suspicious, he corrected me, saying, "Not suspicious - auspicious!"

4 comments:

  1. Definitely suspicious and auspicious. Praying all goes well, Mimi!

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  2. Hope everything goes well and that you feel strong and relax... all the blessings...my prayers for the best.

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  3. Hope all goes well, I will pray x

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  4. Thank you all. As I have testified in this blog, prayers make a huge difference.
    Please keep them coming - for me and especially for all sentient beings, including the ones who are creating causes for suffering in the future and those who think that changing suffering is happiness.

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