In Eight Steps to Happiness Geshe-la says "'Self' and 'other' are relative terms, rather like 'this mountain' and 'that mountain ... 'This' and 'that' therefore depend upon our point of reference. This is also true of self and other. By climbing down the mountain of self, it is possible to ascend the mountain of other, and thereby cherish others as much as we presently cherish ourself."

Monday, June 22, 2009

My Life as a Dog

Sleeping, resting, eating, napping, going for walks, snoozing, snacking, dozing, crashing, sacking out, eating - this has been my life the last couple of weeks - just like a dog's, but without the barking. Except for the walks, you could say it was a cat's life. I probably seem as aloof as a cat, because when I'm this tired I don't have the energy to talk on the phone or respond to emails - but I appreciate your calls and emails all the same.

On a typical day I sleep in, then get up and move to the couch. When the weather's nice, I'll spend some time lying on a Thermarest mattress on the deck; when it starts to cool off, I'm back to the couch.
I have a bit more energy today and should keep improving this week, until my next treatment July 2.
Mostly it's the Cisplatin chemo I get in the hospital that wipes me out. I can illustrate it with numbers: The day before treatment, my ANC (a key measure of my white cells) was 3.8; after treatment, it was 0.5. Normally the ANC has to be 1.0 to get part 2 of the treatment, but again my doctor said to go ahead, because I also got a shot of Neulasta, which he knows will bring my counts back up in a few days. I was sorry to miss Saturday's fundraiser, but with my counts so low I'm vulnerable to infection.

It's a good thing I've always believed in the power of thought. When I was in college, I can remember debating with friends about how they defined their lives: They insisted that what really counted was doing, not thinking or being, and to them doing meant actions that other people could see. I wasn't very good at arguing, but I believed deep down in what Buddhism calls "mental actions." So even though all I can do some days is lie on the couch, I can still recite mantras and practice taking and giving. I'm grateful that our tradition offers a wide range of practices, from the ones that fit under a fingernail to the ones as vast as space, so that whatever your capacities or affinities, there is always something you can do.

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