This post is another one of those public-service announcements that has no Dharma and may not be of interest to you unless you have an aging parent who maybe shouldn't be driving a car anymore, in which case I urge you to read this.
I've been reading a book called "A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents - and Ourselves" and will probably post later about how it's deepened my understanding of the sufferings of aging. One small but critical section if you're in this situation is about dealing with a parent who is unfit to drive, or is headed that way soon.
"Some of the stories recounted in news reports, by friends and colleages and on my own blog and others are chilling. An 86-year-old man at the farmers' market in Santa Monica confused the brake with the accelerator and mowed down 73 people, killing 10 of them, including a 3-year-old. [One of my Sangha who works with the elderly said it's common for older people to confuse those pedals in the car and get in an accident.] A woman with early-stage dementia at an assisted living facility near Clearwater, FL, on her regular drive to the nearby grocery store, mistook a boat ramp for the continuation of the roadway and drove into the Intracoastal Waterway, drowning in her car. After a fall, a woman drove herself to the doctor, who said not a word about her method of getting there; on the way home she had a collision at a gas station, injuring several people and avoiding an explosion at the pumps only because of the fast intervention of the station's attendants. ... An old man driving the wrong way on the interstate caused a 3-car accident that killed a much younger man headed to work, a mother and 3 children, and himself. Another old man abruptly cut in front of a truck in a blinding rain, causing the truck to swerve. The 4-vehicle accident left 1 couple dead and a child in a vegetative state."
Because it's such a loss, older seniors are often reluctant to give up driving, and families often won't confront them. Another Sangha friend was in this situation, and her siblings didn't want to challenge their Dad, who has a form of dementia. She stepped up but became the target of a lot his anger.
As it says in the AARP online seminar about talking with older drivers:
"It is more important to avoid crashes or death than to avoid unpleasant topics.
Do not postpone the conversation because you fear the reaction or worry about the responsibilities you will have to assume.
If you have a valid safety concern, it is better to start having conversations than to wait. Hurt feelings are a normal part of the process. When they emerge, stay calm, acknowledge them, try to become as informed as possible and focus on using productive discussions to defuse any negative emotions."
Resources:
AARP 10 Signs That it's Time to Limit or Stop Driving
AARP Talking with Older Drivers
AMA Older Driver Safety
In Eight Steps to Happiness Geshe-la says "'Self' and 'other' are relative terms, rather like 'this mountain' and 'that mountain ... 'This' and 'that' therefore depend upon our point of reference. This is also true of self and other. By climbing down the mountain of self, it is possible to ascend the mountain of other, and thereby cherish others as much as we presently cherish ourself."
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
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I have found it helps to suggest that they might kill a dog or cat,someone's treasured pet. This brings home the emotion, but in a manageable bite--thinking of killing people is too much for a lot of people. Also, when dealing with people with a lot of dementia or short term memory loss, if you have tried and failed to get them to voluntarily stop driving, I personally feel it is morally OK to disable the car. They may just get tired of trying to get it to work and give up.
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