What to Wish for

Before I started going to Buddhist classes, I didn't hear people asking, "What do you wish for?" "What do you really want?" "What are you looking forward to?" (One of my favorite conversation-starters, by the way. Try it at a family gathering.)

At the moment I'm wondering what to wish for at the PET scan tomorrow. Normally you'd wish that nothing else shows up, because that would mean less cancer and less complications with the treatment plan.

I mentioned the Brazil trip to the neurosurgeon today, and he said flying would be risky - the air pressure could cause my head to swell (insert joke here), and that would be BAD.

[An aside: One key difference between having cancer in your head vs. elsewhere in your body is that there's nowhere the swelling can go - it bumps against the skull and squishes things in your brain, which is why some of the common signs of a brain tumor are seizures, headaches, nausea & vomiting, blurred vision, personality or behavioral changes, confusion, loss of coordination ...

Whereas with ovarian cancer and others like it, the tumor can get quite large before you notice it's there, because it has room to stretch out - which makes it hard to diagnose until it's far along. With cancer, there's always a better prognosis when it's caught early - that is, you're more likely to be cured, to live longer ... so that something else can kill you.

Remind me to write some more sometime about differences between brain cancer and other cancers.]

So the neuro-guy said that if something shows up in the PET scan, they might just send me on my merry way. Brain surgery would probably be off the table. I suspect they might still do radiation, but it would be to alleviate symptoms - that what would probably kill me would be the "systemic" cancer in my body, not the brain tumor. So I could go see Geshe-la! Would that be better? I don't have the wisdom to know.

Or maybe the PET scan shows nothing else to be concerned about, and I travel overland to Brazil ???

Thankfully, gratefully, I am simply turning this over to the Buddhas, who know what is really best for me. I am wishing for whatever's best for my spiritual life. I rely on Guru Tsongkhapa / Dorje Shugden. Cancer helps you learn you're not in charge anyway.

Love,

M.