This Mountain, That Mountain ... What Mountain?

At Your Service

2012-02-16T12:46:00.000-08:00

Today I am on the meditation Exchanging Self with Other. Before I began my formal practice, in addition to reading that section in The New Meditation Handbook, I read a bit of Meaningful to Behold because it's what we're studying in class and the strong language really moves my mind. In it Geshe-la says, "Considering ourself to be the servant of others, we must employ ourself in their benefit." To be even more blunt, Shantideva says, addressing himself, "You don't belong to me any more; I have sold you to others. You are working for them now, so don't be discouraged and get on with it." To make things worse, I told myself I'd been sold to the lowest bidder, to heap further humiliation on top of indignity.
I contemplated being a servant. There isn't an option to do whatever you feel like doing - you spend your day serving others.
Of course, the person I most want to serve is my Guru, because he serves all beings. (Sorry if you thought I was going to shine your shoes - that's a lower priority.) To me serving him means trying to help out my Dharma Center, as well as trying to become a better disciple through my studies and meditations.

Test-driving my loaner hearing aids, last night I watched the first episode of the PBS show Downton Abbey, which has been compared to the old show Upstairs, Downstairs, because it also features a rich English household and their servants. In meditation, I was imagining what it be like to be one of the servants. You take orders from others and have no say in the matter. They live downstairs, below; they are lowly beings.
In one scene, the servants comment on being surrounded by things that don't belong to them - belongings that are someone else's. I thought to myself, "Don't be-longing for those things that aren't yours ; )" What if I had that servant's attitude? I have to clean these material objects, and make use of them, but I don't have to think of them as mine.
Even better if you can stop longing for things that aren't going to make you happy anyway.

In the beginning of MTB we were studying the section about the Benefits of Bodhichitta, which is "the motivation to achieve full enlightenment in order to be most effective in helping others out of their suffering." One of the benefits is that all of our wishes will be fulfilled. Gen Khedrub explained that this means our Bodhisattva wishes, because our ordinary wishes cannot be fulfilled. Isn't that brilliant? They can't be fulfilled because they're endless. Worldly desires are never satiated. There's the story of the ancient king who was not satisfied with conquering the whole earth; he had to possess other realms too - and still wasn't happy. When you look at many of today's celebrities, it's easy to see that it's not just an ancient phenomenon.

Raising the Floor

2012-02-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

I know that it's normal for my meditation practice to have ups and downs. Hopefully the overall trajectory is upward.
Sometimes I think I need to focus more on raising the floor of my formal practice and not worrying about raising the roof: On the days when my mind is at its worst - in a rut, in a ditch, in the basement - I will still do x, y and z. It feels as though if I can do that, the roof will go up by itself, and I will make progress.
Gen Khedrub uses the term "non-negotiable," which I find very helpful.
Gen-la Dekyong joked in Vancouver that we get inspired when we go to Celebrations and Festivals and renew our commitment to ourself to practice, no matter what. Then a lot of "what" happens, and our practice nose-dives ... again.

Commitments help. Because we don't generally like that word, we're told that commitments are not like heavy baggage. I think of them like guardrails, keeping me on track. I make them when I'm in my right mind so that when I'm in my wrong mind, they prevent me from ending up in a ditch or worse.

Signing up to be responsible for a puja is one way to make sure you go. I remember having to commit to being at Quick Path once a week, because invariably when 6am arrived, my self-cherishing would convince me it would be much nicer to stay in bed. Joining Foundation Program or Teacher Training Program, with their attendance requirements, have a similar effect.

Gen-la D Teaching at US Festival

2012-02-14T15:44:00.000-08:00

When I first looked at the webpage for the US Festival, Gen-la Kunsang was going to be the main Teacher. Although I am very fond of her, I have a closer connection with Gen-la Dekyong, who was my Resident Teacher for 9 months (hmm ... what does that length of time make you think of?) and did my first Vajrayogini close retreat under her guidance.
Gen-la K is warm and friendly - she really embodies the teachings about compassion and love. One recent Summer Festival I had a volunteer job sitting at a post; she walked by after a tsog puja and asked me if she could get me anything! She was already the Deputy Spiritual Director at that point! I also saw a lot of her in the dining marquees, chatting with students. Her teachings have a very international feel, in that she make comments on the police in Mexico (you don't go to them for any kind of refuge) and explains idioms in other languages.
I'm going anyway, no matter who the Teacher is, but admit to being very happy to hear Gen-la D teach again, especially after hearing her sublime teachings in Vancouver. I hope that many others are inspired to attend.
So far, the site has only the most basic info - dates, subject and Teacher - with the promise of more details to come mid-month.
http://www.kadampafestivalus.org/

Good Karma Bowl-A-Rama

2012-02-06T12:33:00.000-08:00

Our sister center in Olympia is have a fun-raising fundraiser. Here's part of the description:

Each team member collects sponsorship for strikes, spares, or any amount as you can. The
day of the tournament you may buy as many strikes, spares and ‘Do-Overs!’ (gutter balls)
you can with donations (all’s fair for World Peace :) ...

There are various creative prizes, including a cooking class, for best team name.

If you'd like to generate some good karma, feel free to send a check of any amount to:

Olympia Mahayana Buddhist Center
211 Legion Way SW
Olympia, WA 98501

Or just rejoice!

A Closed Loop

2012-02-03T10:45:00.001-08:00

While I was meditating today, I got an image of a chain of elephants, each one using its trunk to hold the tail of the elephant in front of it. I don't know where that image came from - I don't think I've ever seen it in my life. It sounds like something they train circus elephants to do. Anyway, as I was mentally repeating, "I must use my life to practice Dharma," this elephant image suggested to me to try to keep a link between the last word "Dharma" and the first word "I," so that my mind didn't wander off in other directions. I went from imagining the elephants in a chain, to the words in a chain, then to the words as a circle. I told myself it was a closed loop, which meant it was less possible for my mind to get distracted elsewhere. I found that helpful.

I imagine at some point, you lose the words and your mind just becomes the determination, but I never hear meditators talk about this, and I don't really know. I'm doing well if I can hold onto the words and keep paying attention to their meaning

It occurred to me that worry can be like this - there's some (unwanted) phrase that keeps repeating itself in your head.
When I worry, I find it easier to change the object of worry than to simply drop the worrying. For example, if I start to worry about running out of money, I keep the feeling but substitute a Dharma thought, such as being reborn as a pig. For some reason that switch is easier for me to make.
I read that "worrying is like praying for something you don't want." : )

Funny Karma

2012-02-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

Or rather, not funny karma.
It happened again at class last night, as it had at a few Dharma teachings in Vancouver: Whenever some Teachers said something funny, I couldn't hear it - I could only hear the straight Dharma! (But I think I was able to hear everything Gen-la Dekyong said, including the humorous bits.) There must be something many of us do when delivering a joke that puts it out of my hearing range - I think we tend to drop our voices.
When I see the hearing specialist on the 13th, can I complain of my humor loss?

I'm going to take my "pocket talker" to the day course tomorrow to see if it helps. (It's a small amplifier unit that comes with a small microphone, an extendable cord and a jack for headphones.) I learned about it from a Sangha friend whose Mom uses one, in addition to her hearing aid.

He Sounds Like Gen-la

2012-02-03T09:58:00.000-08:00

I was reading an article today in the local newspaper about a local doctor who goes to Africa to treat victims of civil strife and illness. Here's the key excerpt:

Over the course of five days, he would help as many as he could, treating bombing victims, as well as those afflicted with illnesses such as malaria and dysentery.
It all stands in stark contrast to his everyday life as a family doctor who treats mostly elderly patients. Yet, he insists that there isn't much of a difference between the two.
"I can go from one theater to another. It's just nicer and cleaner here," Kelley said. "From a medical standpoint, pain is pain. Suffering is suffering."

It reminded me of when Gen-la Dekyong was asked to move from Seattle to New York City. Such different places, most of us think; but Gen-la said they're very similar: full of suffering people.

Likewise, in Vancouver she encouraged us to see what we share with everyone we see or think about, whether we know them or not: We all have the wish for lasting happiness. Recognizing that commonality helps us care about others; we're connected because we're all in essentially the same situation.

I Am the Tortoise

2012-02-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

In the story of the Tortoise and the Hare, I would cast myself as the Tortoise. I like to think of that character from Aesop's fable, because in other contexts I am simply slow, even pokey - without the sense that it has any redeeming qualities. “Slowly does it every time!” Tortoise said.
Or as Gen-la said at the last teaching on Medicine Buddha, we want a practice like the Fraser (the big river that runs near Vancouver), flowing steadily, not a practice like a waterfall. Some day I'd like my spiritual practice to be like the Columbia, the mighty river that flows through Washington State, becoming the border with Oregon before flowing to the Pacific. If you've been going to a Dharma Center for a while, I'm sure you've seen practitioners who gush enthusiastically about Buddhism and then disappear after a few months. So sad.

There are a lot of analogies in Buddhism about gardening: For example, we plant seeds that will ripen as Dharma realizations. Milarepa encouraged us to be "Dharma farmers":

You are a farmer of this life,
But I am a farmer of future lives.
If you examine carefully, you will see
Who receives more benefit.

Sometimes we push too hard - and push ourselves right off the path. It's like tugging upward at a small sprout, and inadvertently pulling it out of the ground.

I tend to be lazy, so cancer has been good for my spiritual practice - it's been giving me a kick in the pants, pushing me to get a move on - adding a bit of Hare's urgency. Not that I would wish cancer on anyone. But it is a constant reminder that I don't have forever. I love that Dharma has taught me how to make use of everything that comes my way, and how to turn things that are normally thought of as bad into something good. Which is also an emptiness teaching - the situation is not inherently anything - it's what your mind makes of it. More on that some other time; in the meantime, I highly recommend reading Eight Steps to Happiness.

Like a Snow Day

2012-02-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

Just a quick health update: Yesterday I was scheduled for chemo, but my oncologist recommended skipping it because he's concerned about my hearing loss - he wants me to get my hearing test first, and the earliest I could schedule is Feb 13. Because I scored so well on my last test (the blood test that measures my tumor marker), there was no great need for chemo this week. Next week is a regularly scheduled break from chemo. So I got a day off - like the snow days we experienced last month in Seattle, it's not a bad thing.
I am confident that my hearing will get better now that I am off the Cisplatin chemo, but appreciate my doctor's concern. He said there is a risk of irreparable loss and that even the Taxol chemo can cause some damage to the auditory nerve - although it's less famous for that than the Cis.
When I mentioned this latest development to my classmate DebV, she recommended I learn sign language, which I think it a great idea no matter what happens. Deb taught me how to say, "thank you."
http://www.lifeprint.com/asl101/pages-signs/t/thankyou.htm
Imagine that I am saying this to you.

Tsog? Saag!

2012-01-30T18:20:00.000-08:00

Just a funny little story about misunderstanding ...
I was at the Temple, having finished my reception shift and having helped Dachog prepare tsog offerings for that evenings' Wishfulfilling Jewel puja. I was planning to pick up Indian food on the way home, so I was on the phone with Richard to find out what he wanted.
When he said "saag", I said "tsog?" They really do sound similar, even to someone with decent hearing.
If he had ordered his usual, saag paneer, I think I would have gotten it, but he wanted saag korma.
If I hadn't just prepared tsog offerings, I probably would have understood.
Context is everything.
At home they call me "Miss Communication" (or is that miscommunication?).

I used to be an editor, and my Dad used to claim I couldn't be a communications professional because I was so bad at communicating - which to him meant I didn't phone him often enough.

Sometimes when I make a mistake, I console myself that I'm mistaken about literally everything - in the sense of the true nature of reality - so what's one more mistake?

Where Is the Itch?

2012-01-29T12:28:00.000-08:00

The hives I had for a few days itched. It was interesting to try to investigate where the itch really was. The more attention I paid to the itching, the more it itched. When I could put my mind elsewhere, there was no itch. Where did the itch go? Nowhere. It simply disappeared, like the elephant of last night's dream, in the classic example.

I imagine you can do the same experiment with pain, but unless it's mild, that's a harder test to do - it takes a much stronger mind. At the recent Western Canada Dharma Celebration in Vancouver, Gen-la Dekyong taught briefly about pain. She gave the example of a migraine and suggested applying compassion: Instead of focusing on yourself, think about all the others whose suffering is so much worse. If my notes are accurate, she used the phrase, "push your mind away from yourself." I'm thankful that I haven't had any pain yet; I hope when it comes that I am able to make that push.

It also helps to learn more about "non-ascertaining perceivers," which Geshe-la covers in the book Understanding the Mind. He has a really useful section called "Application of Non-Ascertaining Perceivers to Dharma Practice," which says in part:

At the moment, when we meet an attractive object, we usually pay considerable attention to it and try to gain as vivid perception of it as possible. ... Instead of paying so much attention to objects of delusion, it would be wiser to develop non-ascertaining perceivers with respect to them. Training in non-ascertaining perceivers with respect to objects of delusion is the practice of restraining the doors of the sense powers.
In Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life Shantideva advises us to remain like a block of wood whenever we encounter an object that stimulates strong delusions. ... During the meditation session, it is necessary to practice non-ascertaining perceivers towards all the objects of the senses, so that we can pay full attention to the internal object on which we are meditating. ...

In a casual way, we like to say we "self-generate" as a piece of wood, even though that's not technically correct.

The itching also seemed like an attachment teaching: The more you scratch, the worse it itches, the more you scratch. It's what I'm doing a lot of the time. You can hear your Mom saying, "Don't scratch!" but sometimes it seems like that would really solve the problem - just a light scratch here. Invariably I regret it later. Cravings entice us with promises of satisfaction they never deliver. As Atisha says, "Friends, the things you desire give no more satisfaction than drinking sea water, therefore practice contentment."

By the way, my hives are pretty much gone - disappeared back to wherever they came from - except for a couple, which are just scabs of their former selves.

A Couple More Thoughts on Upgrading & Self-Generation

2012-01-29T12:15:00.000-08:00

Regarding yesterday's post, I have a couple of comments and clarifications.
The upgrading analogy refers to situations like on an airplane: You completely leave behind your coach seat and move up to first class. (You don't hold onto your old seat. Everything is better in first class - you have no interest in coach.) I wanted to clarify that, because I think sometimes when you upgrade software, the program may make use of some of your current version and then add stuff. We tend to do something like that when we're first learning how to self-generate.

Richard pointed out that Heruka is the Tantric Buddha of compassion, so you're imputing yourself on a completely pure being who's perfected exchanging self with others - he has only cherishing for others.

Self-Generation Like Exchanging Self with Other

2012-01-28T13:57:00.000-08:00

At the recent Western Canada Dharma Celebration in Vancouver, Gen-la Dekyong explained self-generating as a Buddha as being like switching labels: You take the label "I" off yourself and stick it on, say, Medicine Buddha. Then you strongly think, "I am Medicine Buddha," and forget entirely about that old ordinary self. (Because we use lanyards with our nametags for festivals and celebrations, I also imagined it as taking my lanyard from around my neck and putting it on Medicine Buddha. The analogy isn't as good, but it amused me.)

On retreat I'm getting a feel for that switch when I imagine myself as Buddha Heruka. It reminded me of how it feels when I try to exchange self with other. I'd forgotten this part, but in Eight Steps to Happiness (which, by the way, is now available as an ebook), Geshe-la explains that Tantric self-generation is indeed a form of exchanging self with other: "Those who are skilled in Secret Mantra, or Tantra, have a profound experience of exchanging self with others. In the Tantric practice of self-generation, we exchange our previous self with that of a Tantric Buddha."

Of course, exchanging self with others is about changing your object of cherishing from yourself to others, whereas self-generation is about changing your object of identification - technically, your basis of imputation - from your ordinary self to an extraordinary being. But having that flexible sense of yourself - loosening up your idea of who you are and who you can be - is great mental training and brings nothing but benefit to ourselves and others, now and in the future.
It's like an upgrade, an upgrade to a first-class body and mind. I trade in this body and mind - painful, limited, destined to fall apart and decay - for a shiny, new mind and body, which never give rise to pain, have great ability to benefit others, and last forever.

Health Update - Good News

2012-01-26T18:45:00.000-08:00

I am trying to be more focused on That Mountain (you) than This Mountain (me), but some folks seem interested to hear what's happening with my health, so I will try to cooperate.

Yesterday I got very good news: My cancer marker went down to the normal range! It's at 14.8, to be exact, which is in the middle of the range. (When I was initially diagnosed, it was almost 1,000.)

I'm just past halfway of my scheduled chemo treatments. I still need to discuss with my oncologist how this development might affect the original plan, which was for 4 months of chemo. In the past, he's said he'd like to see the number below 10. I had a recent dream that it was 6, and the oncologist in the dream wanted me to have more chemo, which puzzled me.

Do I finish out the planned chemo, seeing it as insurance against recurrence? (Is it like antibiotics, in that you need to take the full course even when your symptoms are better?) If so, I'd be done in mid-March, which would make it very feasible for me to attend US Festival.
Or do I end early, getting "time off for good behavior"?
At what point does the toxicity of the chemo outweigh the benefits?

My oncologist, Dr K, relies more on the scans (CT of torso, MRI of brain) than this blood test, so he's certainly going to want to see pictures at some point. Normally that would be done after I finished treatment.
MDs rely a lot on data, and I suspect there's no data on partial treatments. Thankfully, my oncologist is flexible and has a lot of experience, so he doesn't simply go with the standard.

For someone on chemo, I feel really good. If I were having more trouble, I'd be more likely to try to shorten treatment. This is my 2nd recurrence, so maybe I should pound the cancer, routing it for good.

I still have my hair, although it's thin in spots. I'm on the same chemo "recipe" as before - same drugs, same dosages - and in the past I always gone bald after 2-1/2 weeks. A month into treatment, wondering why my hair hadn't started falling out, I accused my oncologist of putting only pomegranate juice in my IV! He insisted he was giving me the drugs, in full dose. Whatever he's been giving me, it's working.
You know the expression "shock of hair"? It means head of hair, or more specifically, a noticeable mass of hair. In my case, it is a shock - it sticks out straight in every direction, as though I'd stuck my hand in a socket. I try to keep it under wraps - and hats - so as not to scare people.

I do have some fatigue, which is a drag, but I can still do most of what I want to do, as long as I get a lot of rest.
In the last few days, I developed hives, which I'm told is probably a reaction to the Taxol chemo. They look like zits or spider bites and are scattered around my body: 1 on the top of my foot, 1 on my calf, 1 on my shoulder blade, 1 on my neck. I was getting a couple of new ones each day, but I think they're reversing course now.
I also have hearing loss and tinnitus (ringing in the ears) from the Cisplatin chemo I got for the 1st two rounds - until my doc switched me to it's cousin, Carboplatin, which is considered as effective. Carbo has different side effects, notably worse blood counts.
Dr K referred me to the same doc he went to for his hearing. I'm scheduled for a hearing test and consultation on a hearing aid in mid-February. In the meantime, there are some funny conversations, including the one I had setting up the hearing appointment. Thankfully Richard is easy-going, because when I'm not mishearing what he says ("meditate"? no, I said "vegetate"), I'm constantly asking him to repeat himself.

I consider myself very fortunate. These chemo drugs are effective for me; for many patients, they aren't. I am grateful for so many things, including you.
Thank you for your support.
Thank you, Medicine Buddha.

Emptiness Like a Whiteout?

2012-01-22T13:57:00.000-08:00

We've had snow in Seattle the past couple of days.
The Buddhist Center in Seattle is doing 2 weeks of Buddha Heruka retreat, which means lots of meditation on emptiness, the ultimate nature of phenomenon - that the "things we normally see or perceive do not exist." (They exist, just not in the way we think they do.)

So, on a break between meditation sessions, while walking the dog in the snow, I was contemplating emptiness. Of course, with the new white snow covering everything, it's easy to think about purity, then about the purifying nature of emptiness. And how the snow makes the things we normally see disappear. There are still forms there, but they're obscured.
To try for a better analogy, I thought of a whiteout in the mountains, where you can't distinguish between ground and sky. All you can see is white in every direction. Everything is obliterated.
I'm not sure if that's helpful, but it's what I was thinking.

Hazel

2012-01-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

Hazel's gone - off to the Pure Land. She died peacefully on Sunday at home, surrounded by family, with her Teacher, Gen Lingpur, there making prayers.
Hazel spent her last days in her meditation room. Her family was also gathered there, and Lingpur tells me that some of them were reading the Buddhist books Hazel kept there, even though they weren't Buddhist!
Please pray for her family, especially her husband, Hank, and her two daughters, as well as her parents, who live in a house behind Hank and Hazel's.
She will be greatly missed.

Sue Hulley

2012-01-04T12:57:00.000-08:00

Sue passed away peacefully last night. She was a longtime Kadampa practitioner at Saraha Center in San Francisco, a branch teacher, and a Festival gompa steward, as well as a wife and mother. Many of her Sangha considered her the mother of their center.
Please pray for her and especially for her family.

I am sad at the loss but will use it as fodder for meditation. It happens that we're on renunciation, contemplating in particular the suffering of separation.

Delusions and Personal Associations

2012-01-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

What is my mind really thinking?
Years ago, at a discussion class, CarlH made a comment about examining the emotional associations you have with your attachments. So helpful to know!
One of my main ones is a cup of tea. But why? The warmth of it, even just holding the cup in my hand, represented comfort. When I was feeling a bit down, I'd start to crave a cuppa. After I got some insight into that association, it was kind of fun to examine how a cup of flavored hot water could possibly solve my problem. I still drink tea, but have lowered my expectations of what it can do for me. You could say I enjoy it more because I'm not looking for it to give me something it can't, which just creates disappointment.

Being on a restricted diet also helps me examine the associations I have with particular foods. I like to think I eat because it provides fuel for my body, but mostly I'm kidding myself.
Likewise, bumping into my retreat boundaries helps me see my attachments - and my impatience too. I usually limit checking email and reading the news until afternoon, and invariably there will be times when I want to do those in the morning. I'd say a good boundary is one that comes up for you to work with, without causing too much tension.

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T11:22:00.000-08:00

May your 2012 be filled with peace.

NYC New Center!

2011-12-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

Here's a cause for rejoicing: The Kadampa Center in New York City is getting a new home!
Their current location has many limitations, most notably its small size: For years now, people have been packed into their General Program classes, and I'm told they've even had to turn people away.

Check out the photos and description of their new space:
http://meditationinnewyork.org/makeadonation_the_new_space.php
Also note that Chakrasambara Center is now a special center, called a "KMC."

As you can imagine, real estate is very expensive in the city, even during an economic slump.
If you want some good karma, generate your biggest mind of love for all, and then make even a small donation; imagine how many people will benefit.

You can also make donations to our Seattle Kadampa Center or the International Temples Project, which is creating new Temples all over the world, as well as schools (!), hotels, retreat centers, etc.

Happy Protector Day

2011-12-29T10:25:00.000-08:00

The 29th of every month we celebrate our Dharma Protector, Dorje Shugden, who helps us with our spiritual practice. It's a good day for making prayers.
As Shantideva says in Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life, in some of my favorite lines, in a book that has a lot of great lines:
"May I become a protector for the protectorless,
A guide for those who travel on the road,
And, for those who wish to cross the water,
May I become a boat, a ship, or a bridge."

Car Blew a Gasket ...

2011-12-29T10:03:00.000-08:00

... but I am happy to report that we (Richard, Dachog and I) did not.

It was a live example of the teaching in How to Solve Your Human Problems about inner and outer problems.:

"Our problems do not exist outside our mind. The real nature of our problems is our unpleasant feelings, which are part of our mind. When our car, for example, has a problem, we often say, 'I have a problem,' but in reality it is not our problem but the car's problem. ... By differentiating between animate and inanimate problems like this, we can understand that the real nature of our problems is our own feelings, which are part of our mind."

I remember the first time I heard this teaching, at Summer Festival. It was brilliant! So wise!
One Teacher told us it's as if we don't have enough problems of our own - we feel obligated to take on all the problems of the things around us : )
More recently Gen-la Dekyong went on to explain that our problem is our attachment to our car, having a car that runs.

Here's the story, a few days old (as I said yesterday, I'm a bit behind):
Thursday we were driving out to Eastern Washington to spend Xmas with Richard's sister Susie when Richard noticed the car's temp was very high. I am so glad he stopped in Cle Elum to have it checked out. Both the Shell station and the mechanic they referred us to diagnosed a blown head gasket. Neither of them charged us. [You can insert your own car-ma pun here. One of my friends in college wore a pin that said, "My karma ran over my dogma."]
The word "blown" is misleading - it's not like a blown tire, which makes it hard to control the car and can be very dangerous. We didn't notice any particular event, just the temperature indicator, and the car still functions, although it's potentially dangerous.
I remember trying to find the problem - my mind habituated to thinking that a broken-down car was a problem - but mostly I kept thinking, "We're safe; we're safe." We weren't in an accident. No one's injured or sick. We're with each other. We have food. The sun is out. I did have to apply a bit of patience waiting for the towtruck, which took an hour, as we were warned it would.
The Buddhas were looking out for us - we could have been stranded by the side of the road, in a place where there's no cell-phone reception, in the cold and snow ....
Also there were recently a few pieces in the local paper about high towing fees in Seattle. In fact, there's no limit to what they can charge, and stories about $2,000 fees for towing within the city. Our charge came to $300 for 90 miles, and we did not have towing on our insurance or the Gold AAA membership.

Just for fun: This is what Richard posted on Facebook. He rode inside the car with the dog, on top of the towtruck; Dachog and I rode inside the cab of the truck with the driver. Richard said his experience was like being in a sleigh. Then we talked about the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, picturing him in his sleigh, on top of the big bag of all the presents he'd stolen from Whoville.

Rudolph the red-strobed wrecker
Hauled a lot of heavy loads
And if you ever saw him
You would even say he towed.

All of the other tow trucks
Wanted him to come and play
They couldn't see why Rudolph
Had to work for Triple A.

Then one sunny solstice day
Santa called to say
"Rudolph with your big flatbed
Won't you tow away my sled?"

Then all the wreckers loved him
As they shouted with a smile
"Rudolph the red strobed wrecker
You can net three bucks a mile!"

Not an Empty Seat

2011-12-28T13:07:00.000-08:00

Sorry ... catching up.
Here's some fodder for rejoicing: KMC Washington had a Xmas Eve service that was completely packed! There was not an open seat in the expanded gompa - we even had to carry up some chairs from downstairs. I heard there were 150 people! Lots of brand-new people; lots of families.
People seem to like the candle-lighting ceremony at the beginning, where everyone gets a small votive to light and place on the shrine table. We also had luminaria outside and beautiful evergreen decorations downstairs.
Gen Khedrub gave a nice teaching about patience and giving, as well as encouragement for a regular meditation practice, even a small one.
There was food afterward, savory and sweet, although I confess I slept through that part. I was planning a short rest, but the next thing I remember was Richard waking me up to go home.

We have a similar event scheduled for New Year's Eve.
May it bring many people to the Temple and may they find real peace.

Nice Photo of Kees

2011-12-28T07:12:00.000-08:00

Leanne sent me this nice photo of her brother.

Kees

2011-12-26T08:54:00.000-08:00

Kees, Suzanne's son, Leanne's brother, passed away yesterday.
Please keep them all in your prayers.

Longer-Term Patience

2011-12-21T11:06:00.000-08:00

Slowly, slowly, slowly, I am coming to understand patience better.
Next thought: Umm ... you didn't expect to understand patience quickly, did you?

When I used to think of patience, it meant trying not to be annoyed while standing in a checkout line or waiting for a traffic light to change.

But now I'm aware of deeper kinds of patience - for one, during meditation.
My main distraction used to be wondering how much time was left for meditating.
It was like the kids in the back of the car on a road-trip, always asking, "Are we there yet?" Even when you've just pulled out of the driveway. Such an antsy mind.

Enjoy the ride; enjoy the scenery; enjoy your practice. We're taught it can be like going from joy to joy - there's a reason it's called the joyful path. Doing mandala offerings during retreat last week, it felt like a kid building sandcastles on the beach, and it was fun being as absorbed in them as a kid at play.

I'm also learning patience with my practice overall. At US Festival this year, Gen Samtem advised us that we should enjoy practicing where we are. In fact, he noted, it's the only place we can practice. Our problem is that we try to practice where we're not. We make ourselves unhappy by having unrealistic expectations, imagining that everyone else is a better meditator. After hearing this advice, it may seem like commonsense, but I found it such a valuable insight. So true. So helpful.
Gen-la Dekyong added that it's our self-cherishing setting us up for a fall: Our self-cherishing thinks we should only do things we can immediately be good at. It then berates us for our lack of instant success, discourages us from continuing, and tells us to quit.

What strikes me is that this patience has a quality of contentment.
Gen Khedrub is strong on this subject: He talks about simply spending time with your meditation object, letting the minutes go by, peacefully absorbed.

Ultimately I'd love a realization of patience as defined in How to Solve Our Human Problems:
"Patience is a mind, that is able to accept, fully and happily, whatever occurs. It is much more than gritting our teeth and putting up with things. Being patient means welcoming wholeheartedly whatever arises, having given up the idea that things should be other than what they are."

My Xmas Wish List

2011-12-21T10:31:00.000-08:00

It may look familiar if you've seen my bucket list ; )

Attain the realizations of:
* 3 Principle Aspects of the Path
* Generation Stage
* Completion Stage

Can you guess my birthday wish list?

If Rats Can Do It ...

2011-12-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

I don't usually post news articles in this blog, but a few days ago there was an article that describes how a free rat will try to release a captive one, and it was such a powerful image for me. If rats can generate empathy, certainly I can develop compassion and bodhichitta.

As it says in another article about the same research, "In repeated tests, rats freed another trapped rat in their cage, even when yummy chocolate served as a tempting distraction. ... The rats could have gobbled the chocolate before freeing their partners, but often didn't, choosing to help and share the goodies."

From the neurobiologist who conducted the research: "I would suggest that helping is what we are biologically programmed to do. You have to suppress that biological tendency to not help. If we owned up to our biological inheritance a little bit more than we do, we would be better off."

In addition, when I meditate on Equanimity, the being I most often use for aversion is rats. (I didn't even want to see the animated movie Ratatouille.) So knowing that they have good qualities is helpful for that too.

How to Be Tired

2011-12-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

Here's a subject I know something about ...
One of the qualities of Kadampa Buddhism, as anyone who's been to a General Program class knows, is that it's very practical. It's designed to be used in our life, no matter what's going on. For example, when I'm fatigued from chemo, I can still practice. When I'm fatigued, I notice my mind is much more vulnerable to negativity, so it helps to have a repertoire of easy, positive activities. Here are a few things I do, starting with the less obvious.

* Stare at the line drawings in Geshe-la's books - I learned about this very recently. Gen Khedrub told our class that he'd made himself a booklet of photocopies of all the drawings. CarolF, who's a longtime practitioner, also recommended this to me: She said there's something about the simplicity of black and white that works well when you're tired.

* Roll mantras for filling statues - it's a virtuous, low-impact activity. My mother-in-law, the nun Dachog, is in charge of statue filling at our Center, so that connection may have been what pulled me in. You can roll them to fill your own statues or give them to your Center if it fills statues.
I realize this wouldn't be a good activity if your hands were in pain from arthritis, say.
If you're not familiar with the process, Tharpa has a booklet that explains everything; the accompanying CD has all the mantras that you can print from your computer. I recommend a good papercutter; we use this one.
Tips: Remember to recite the special mantra when you've finished a roll, and don't forget the Correcting Mistakes mantra for the lotus.
I also do this when visiting family (Richard's family, that is - I wouldn't do this at my Dad's because it would seem strange). We like to sit around with each, but not always doing something together like playing a game or doing a puzzle. Sometimes it's nice to be in each other's company without feeling compelled to talk.

* Pujas - I'm greedy for blessings, but sometimes the only way I can make it is to lie down in the back. (I confirmed with my Teacher this was OK.) At our Center I'll put out 2 zabutons (the big cushions) and lie down parallel to the shrine; I do try to sit up for the special parts, like tsog offering, mandala offering, tea offering and the long-life prayers.
Note: When Gen-la Dekyong was the RT in Seattle, she told us it was inauspicious to lean on the walls of the gompa.

* Yoga of Napping - Sometimes it's wiser to give in to the need to rest, rather than fight it. Thankfully we have this Highest Yoga Tantra practice (if you've received Vajrayogini and Heruka empowerments).

* Taking meditation - this is one of my favorites, so I'm able to do it when I'm tired. Pick your own favorite.

* Reciting mantras is also a favorite. There's even something comforting about just holding my mala.

* Rejoicing is easy and virtuous. Teachers explaining this practice often mention that you can do it lying down. It's as simply as being happy at anyone's good qualities or virtuous activities.

* Reading Dharma of course. When you're tired, it works better to just read a paragraph or even a sentence, over and over.

Definition of "Friend"

2011-12-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

I think of a friend as someone who brings out the best in me.
It used to be a select (small) group, but since I've started learning Lamrim, I am trying to have more equanimity and make it encompass more and more beings. For one thing, I'm trying to feel friendly toward more and more people, which used to be really hard for me, because I was scared of them and of what they'd think of me.

Now that I am trying to be a friend of the world, I can still use that definition: I can learn something from every being I meet, see, or think about. We learn that we achieve liberation and enlightenment in dependence on 2 groups of beings: Buddhas, of course, but we also ordinary beings, who help us practice compassion, patience, etc.
My Guru is my supreme spiritual friend.
You are my friend.

Prayers for Sue

2011-12-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

While you are praying, please dedicate for Sue Hulley of Saraha Center in San Francisco. Many of you know her because she has taken care of us as a gompa steward at Summer Festival. She is now on hospice but has a peaceful mind, as you might expect from her.
I am so sad at this news.
Good thing I'm on renunciation today. Not that I needed more "ammunition" - we've all got to get out of here.

Channeling the Guru

2011-12-08T11:17:00.000-08:00

While I was trying to meditate on emptiness this morning, after absorbing my Guru and mixing my mind with his, I pretended I actually had his mind. It was helpful - another angle on emptiness - and fun. What would it be like?

Update on Hazel

2011-12-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

Speaking of inspiring practitioners ...
Despite her poor health, Hazel is planning to do her first Vajrayogini counting retreat! She says that the most comfortable position is on her meditation cushion.
May her body cooperate so that she can become very close to the Venerable Lady and enjoy a blissful retreat.
For her treatment, she is relying on Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha (that's us); please keep sending your prayers to her.

Update on Kees

2011-12-08T09:07:00.000-08:00

Please keep those prayers coming for Suzanne's son. He's a little bit better, though still in ICU. His situation is so complicated. Suzanne is very happy with his team of doctors at the UW Medical Center, but they still have trouble figuring out what's going on. Because he's paralyzed, his body will be in pain - it will react seizures or a fever, for example - but he can't identify where the pain is. Can you imagine? The docs mostly rely on tests, but sometimes they can't do imaging or other tests if they can't get his body into the position needed.
Today he's scheduled to get "trach" (tracheotomy tube) put in his throat, so that they can remove the airtube in his mouth, which Suzanne said will be good. I say "scheduled," because his situation changes so fast. It's a dramatic teaching in impermanence.

Suzanne is such an amazing practitioner. I am so inspired by her. She's keeping a peaceful mind and taking care of herself. She's even doing her Kadampa art projects on her laptop in Kees's room!

Lesser-Known Sources of Protein

2011-12-07T09:31:00.000-08:00

This is simply an article about my diet, which I hope might be useful to some of you, but there's no Dharma in it, except in the sense of taking care of your body - the vehicle that can bring so much benefit to others - like an ambulance team takes care of an ambulance.

Because I am not eating beans (green, pinto, black, kidney, garbanzo), based on a food-sensitivity test my naturopath gave me, and trying not to eat too much soy, and I don't generally eat meat ... what do I do for protein?
I'll confess I've been eating wild Alaska salmon 1x/week at the suggestion of my naturopath, because it's considered anti-cancer. I have very mixed feelings about this. Every time, I thank the fish for giving up its body for me and generate bodhichitta, promising myself to use my body in the service of others.

* Chia seeds -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvia_hispanica
My naturopath just told me about these; he learned about them from a patient. They're associated with barefoot runners in Northern Mexico who are famed for their ability to run long distances.

* Lupin seeds
The NY Times had a recent article
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/17/business/energy-environment/soy-substitute-edges-its-way-into-european-meals.html?scp=1&sq=Lupin&st=cse
"Lupin seeds have been used as a high-protein food for over 3,000 years around the Mediterranean, and as for as long as 6,000 years in the Andean highlands of Latin America. ...
Lupin seed is also nutritionally superior to soy in several respects, according to some researchers. A comparative study of lupin seeds and soybeans published by the F.A.O. in 2003 found that lupin seeds had a higher protein content, at 35 percent to 40 percent, against soybeans’ 24 percent to 32 percent. ...."
They sell it at a place called the Vegetarian Butcher in the Netherlands, among other places.
I haven't tried them yet - just thought this was interesting.

* Quorn - mycoprotein (fungi family, which includes mushrooms and truffles) - comes as burgers, roasts and nuggets. It's what we had for Thanksgiving. Good in stir fry and many other dishes. I like the taste and the "mouth feel." Some people say it bothers their stomach.
http://www.quorn.us/About-Us/

* Field Roast - a grain meat that comes as deli meat, sausages, and loaves
http://www.fieldroast.com/products
Made in Seattle : )

* Quinoa - I have a favorite recipe that has mandarin oranges, raisins, oil, nuts, scallions; it's good on fresh spinach.

* Almond "yogurt" (for smoothies) and almond milk (for cereal). Today I'm going to try almond-based cheese, Swiss style, on the vegetarian reuben sandwiches R makes at the Temple - they are so good.

* Coconut milk in black tea

* Rice protein powder - I've also heard there's pea protein powder, which would have less sugar. That's what I'm buying next. Add to smoothies.

* Goat's milk cheese, if you're craving cheese - my naturopath said it's the best animal variety, and my husband found some support for that when he did Internet research (I don't like the texture - or the idea - of soy cheese). Will eat the almond cheese instead if it's any good.
There was a large variety of cheeses made from goat's milk available at my co-op - not just the kind of French cheese I used to think of as goat.

Not So Obscure Sources of Protein I'm Eating
* Nuts of course, including the 1 Brazil nut a day for selenium I mentioned in another post.

* Free-range organic eggs from the co-op

Gen-la Public Talk Thurs Jan 12

2011-12-07T08:44:00.000-08:00

In Vancouver, 5 mins from Tilopa Centre at
Croatian Cultural Centre, 3250 Commercial Drive, Vancouver

Tickets $12 in advance, $15 at the door. For tickets and more info, see
http://talksonmodernbuddhism.ca/vancouver/

I plan to attend.

Bound for Enlightenment

2011-12-06T14:56:00.000-08:00

Have you noticed how much the gompa at Majurshri Centre is like an airplane?

* We have the pilot (Geshe-la) in the front, along with his co-pilot (Gen-la Dekyong, or whoever else is teaching). They are flying us to enlightenment on what I like to think of as NKT Airlines.

* VIP section in the front, where the seats are wider and more comfortable than in coach.

* 2 main aisles with seating on either side, with windows at the edges.

* This is the real give-away: We have people called "stewards" (remember when flight attendants were called "stewardesses"?; some of you are probably too young), who are responsible for our safety and comfort. They check our (boarding) passes on entering and make sure our bags are not too big to carry on. They also serve water if you need it.

* Safety instructions over the audio system: "...go for refuge to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha" and the directions on bodhichitta, which requires getting yourself to enlightenment first because it's the only way we can really be of benefit, which my Teacher likes to compare with putting on our own oxygen mask before helping those around us.

* Security checks for bags.

P.S. EllenM adds: We get views of blue skies behind the clouds of our delusions.

Relying on Sangha

2011-12-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

We had a day course on Refuge Sat with Gen Khedrub, where we learned about how to rely on the 3 Jewels: Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. Of the 3, relying on Sangha can be the hardest to understand. It makes sense to rely on enlightened beings and what they teach, but how can you rely on ordinary people, who can be unreliable? We're all deluded after all.

One traditional analogy for the 3 Jewels is that they are like the doctor, the medicine, and the nurses. I don't know where I'd be without my nurses. Like ordinary nurses, they can offer practical tips about what the doctor has prescribed ("mix the L-gluatamine with apricot nectar or tomato juice"), to make it possible to actually do it.

One of the ways we go for refuge to Sangha is for encouragement. For example, I was inspired by Carol and Ken in our local Sangha, who are doing their Preliminary Guides, and have even finished a couple! Now I, too, am keeping track of my daily prostrations and water offerings, and have a sheet for tallying my mandala offerings as well. I'm in no rush. Drop by drop, we fill the bucket.
I'm also encouraged by my discussion partners in class who know their outlines and who can summarize what we're studying. I don't want to disappoint them when it's my turn.

We're taught that our Resident Teacher is Sangha too; for example, I consult with him about what retreat I'm thinking about doing.
I can't imagine where I'd be without Sangha - probably in a ditch by the side of the road (as my Mom used to say), in the spiritual sense.
Maybe it even helps that they're deluded - they know what it's like, on a chilly December morning, to prefer a warm bed to a hard cushion. (I've learned to call on Vajrapani then.)
They can make prayers for us, and they pray with us.
They keep us company on the path.

In the end, who knows who they really are? Before I went to my first Festival, someone recommended borrowing a video of Geshe-la teaching to get used to his accent. He gave the teaching that we could be the last ordinary being in the world - that everyone around us is an emanation of a Buddha. I've always found that quite plausible.

My Sangha have instructions to lock me in the gompa if I ever talk about following the samsaric path ; )

My Bucket List

2011-12-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

My list of things I want to do before I die - it's quite short.
Less scary than sky-diving. More meaningful than visiting all 50 states.

Attain the realizations of:
* 3 Principle Aspects of the Path
* Generation Stage
* Completion Stage

Send tips!

In the cancer movie 50/50, a black comedy, the hero has a big emotional flare-up the night before his surgery. Among his regrets are that he's never even been to Canada - which is unintentionally funny because, although set in Seattle, the movie was actually filmed in Vancouver. Dude, you're IN Canada!
Am I recommending the movie? The main character's pretty appealing, but it's very much a Hollywood treatment of the disease: Somewhat shallow and not quite real. It might a good introduction for people who are scared of cancer - or even people with cancer - because they don't know what it's like.
***

P.S. Yesterday someone at the my Center made the connection for me between "bucket list"' and "kicking the bucket."

Prayers for Hazel

2011-12-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

Please make strong prayers for my good friend Hazel, who is the Admin in Tucson. Her body has advanced cancer, and it is advancing. May it beat a hasty retreat and dissolve into emptiness. Peace to her, her husband, daughters, and parents.

Thank you.

Gen-la Deyong / Medicine Buddha in Vancouver Jan 13-15

2011-11-30T12:17:00.000-08:00

Ooh...

I just heard about this:
http://kadampacelebrations.ca/western-celebration

Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not doing a counting retreat this year. I've pretty much given up trying to judge what's "good."

Hope to see you there,
M.

Prayers for Kees

2011-11-29T21:59:00.000-08:00

Please send strong prayers for Kees, Suzanne Downs' son who is very sick. Many of you are connected to Suzanne through her Kadampa art: She has done portraits of Geshe-la and images of Dorje Shugden, the Vajrayogini body mandala and other holy beings. Kees is a quadriplegic who was going to have surgery on his leg December 8th, but his health has taken a bad turn.
May Kees and his family have peaceful minds, and may our Guru always keep them in his loving care.

One Reason I Like My Naturopath

2011-11-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

He "prescribes" volunteer work! He actually writes it down on the letter-size prescription, in addition to the supplements, types of exercise, books and other suggestions he makes. What he told me yesterday when I met with him is that it helps prevent patients from becoming too focused on themselves, which as we know is one of the main causes of our misery.

Leaving now for chemo.

Happy Protector Day!

Bulletproof

2011-11-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

As I've mentioned before, I feel protected by my faith. It is true refuge.

Saturday we had an emptiness retreat in Seattle taught by Gen Khedrub, who said we tend to go for refuge to samsaric distractions and busyness. So true. That's one reason it's helpful to have something like cancer to remind you of what's important.

Here's something to contemplate: Gen Khedrub also said your mind won't tolerate the ramifications of emptiness if you're very attached to worldly pleasures.

He also quoted another Teacher as saying meditating on emptiness is like getting a suntan - you can't do it all at once : ) I like that.

This one-day retreat had a wide range of practitioners. For people who'd been meditating for a while, Gen Khedrub advised learning how to remain with what we already know. It's true that we find new ideas exciting, and can get bored with what we think we already know. The way he was describing our impatience rang true to me: Why can't I remain with my insights on emptiness? Why does my mind prefer to go off and organizing something instead? How can I allow more time to go by, keeping my mind on emptiness?

Sometimes I like to think of my meditation sessions as like airplane flights, logging the miles. We're taught that realizations come drop by drop; one day we'll find that our bucket is full ... like frequent-flier miles, that at some point are redeemable for a special trip. (With Gold status, you reach liberation; Platium for enlightenment?) And your baggage is taken care of ... because you don't have any anymore ; )
You can also see that you can acrue miles much faster if you stick with one airline.

When I was emerging from the first meditation, I got this image that I was surrounded by bulletproof glass - it wasn't that the bullets were missing me, it was that they couldn't hit me. I was safe inside.

I was talking with Jeff R about my experience, and he said it was like that scene at the end of the Matrix where Neo puts up his hand and all the bullets stop, as though they've hit a clear wall they can't penetrate. He even picks out one of the bullets with curiosity, and then the wall of bullets drops.

Jeff says he thinks of his body as like a candy wrapper. It's a much nicer image than the idea of a meat jacket, but I still like how graphic the meat is. By the way, Longku says he got that image from Rob L.

All right, I need to get a move on. I'm inclined to say I need to get OFF my butt, but actually I need to get ON my butt, on my meditation cushion.
Then later to the gym!

Chemo Went Well

2011-11-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

Just to let you know my first chemo went smoothly today.
I brought my small Medicine Buddha statue with me. He was looking over me, from the side table attached to my Lazy-Z-Girl chair - even when I feel asleep. I was asleep for hours - the Benedryl that helps prevent reactions to the chemo drug puts me out.
I'd packed sadhanas, my laptop, and Meaningful to Behold - along with good intentions - but mostly I slept.
Later the Dex may keep me up.
Thank you for your prayers - they really work.

Results Are in

2011-11-17T20:44:00.000-08:00

There's nothing in my brain but a few cancerous "nodules" in my abdomen. My trusted oncologist recommended I get chemo again, so Tuesday morning I am going to get the same regimen I did before: 3 weeks on, 1 week off, for probably 4 months. The first week is the double whammy, where I'll get 2 chemo drugs and spend the whole day in the clinic (the one drug can be hard on your kidneys, so they like to spend much of the day giving fluids via IV). The other 2 chemo weeks will be just the Taxol chemo, and the infusion will go much faster.
I thought my doc might go for different chemo drugs, but his reasoning was that they worked before, and I tolerate them pretty well. He's optimistic it will put me in remission again. I'm optimistic too, especially when I consider the other factors (prayers, purification, diet, etc.)

Today my Lamrim meditation was on Exchanging Self with Other, and I kept it in mind most of the day. It really does protect me: When I'm thinking about others, I'm not pitying myself, worrying about myself, and so I'm not suffering. Some time I'll have to write more about how cherishing others helped cure me of my social anxiety.
The last couple of weeks I've been contemplating what Longku calls his "meat jacket." No, it's not the Lady Gaga outfit - it's your body. It reminds me that my body is not me. It is outside - outside my mind. I find that very comforting.
It's been a long day (waited more than an hour for my doctor; just got home from my exam). Ta-ta for now.
Thank you always for your support.
~M.

Creeping Upward

2011-11-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

My CA-125 tumor marker has been inching upward the past few months. It's still quite low (36) but now out of the normal range. When I was initially diagnosed, it was almost 1,000, and I've heard of numbers in the thousands. This blood test can be notoriously inaccurate for many people - which is why it isn't used for diagnosis - but for me it works well as a flag to follow up with better tests.

As my oncologist recommended, I'm having the usual scans: a brain MRI and a CT of my torso. Unless the cancer's gone to my toenails, it should show up in these pictures. Dr K considers those much more reliable tests. I'll meet with him next Thursday to go over the results.

I considered titling this post "my number's up," but that has another connotation, and in that sense my number is far from up. Most likely if something shows up on a scan, my oncologist will recommend chemo if it's in my torso and radiation if it's in my brain. There are lots of different chemo drugs that could be effective.

Because it's been a while since I posted here, here's a quick summary of what I've been up to.
I've been enjoying my holiday from chemo and investigating different approaches to try to keep the cancer at bay. For example, at the suggestion of my naturopath and acupuncturist, I started Qigong classes; I appreciate that they have a beginner series because it feels a bit foreign to me, even though the idea of techniques to move energy through subtle channels of the body is very appealing.

My naturopath had me get a blood test that identifies food sensitivities, based on the idea that if you're ingesting food that's harder for your body to manage, the body responds with inflammation, which often leads to chronic conditions and diseases like cancer. The test said I'm sensitive to beans! Green beans, pinto beans, black beans, kidney beans, and others like them - but not to lima beans, fava beans, lentils, peas, or soy. Any one have a favorite lima bean recipe? Is there such a thing? Results also came back positive for tuna, which I never eat. I'm somewhat sensitive to dairy, and Holder (my naturopath) recommended avoiding it because it's been linked to hormone-sensitive cancers.
As most health conscious people are aware, it's better not to eat refined sugar (alternatives like Agave are fine). When you start reading labels, you see sugar everywhere.
That one's a lot easier for me than dairy, though: I've switched to almond milk for my cereal but still have some whole milk in my tea or coffee.
For iodine he recommended a pinch of wakame seaweed straight from the bag; for selenium 1 Brazil nut a day. I'm amused by those recommendations, which doesn't mean I ignore them.
In general, the idea is to eat a rainbow of foods.
More importantly I take Turkey Tail mushrooms in pill form; a lot of alternative practitioners have research showing their effectiveness against cancer; Maitake mushrooms also.
Dr. Holder gave me a recipe for an herbal tea I can make myself from the raw herbs that combines astragalus, licorice, geranium maculatum and a local plant called "cleavers."
The dog helps me with my exercise routine with her enthusiasm for walking around the neighborhood. R & I just recently started going to the gym, which for me is partly to take advantage of their sauna, alternating it with a cold shower - brrr! It's supposed to be good for your immune system, but I'll admit I don't put my whole body under the cold water yet.

This Summer I was fortunate enough to go to the 2nd week of Festival in England, then to Wales to wander around the land of some of R's ancestors (or "Aunt-Sisters" as one of his nephews pronounced it, when asked in school about his family - he was thinking of his mom's sister, who's an aunt to him : ).
In October we were able to attend Fall Festival in NY to learn more and practice purification. Who knows where my tumor marker would be without it. I'll write more about that another time.

Take care,
M.

Re-Mission Accomplished

2011-06-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

Last night my oncologist called me at home to give me my results:
My PET/CT scan showed nothing suspicious and my CA-125 is now 11.8 (where anything under 35 is normal). Hooray!
A few weeks ago I had a brain MRI, which was clear.
I'm now officially N.E.D. (no evidence of disease).
I was so happy I had trouble sleeping.

My doc had talked several times about giving me 2 other tests, but now thinks they're unnecessary.

This first (and let's hope only) recurrence has been a journey - from brain surgery last Oct and then targeted brain radiation; to a month of whole-brain radiation along with chemo (3 weeks on, 1 off); to 3 more months of "just" chemo.

My energy even seems to be coming back faster than I thought it would, and I am feeling more like myself since I've been off chemo.

Thank you all for your support - it makes such a difference.
Thank you to Medicine Buddha and all his emanations. I am so grateful.

I want to tell you that there are easier ways to purify negative karma than cancer; personally, I like the practice of taking. I know a lot of practitioners are drawn to Vajrasattva. I am planning to attend Fall Festival to get a boost for that practice. I hope you can make it.

To celebrate my remission, I'm going to pass along one of my favorite jokes. You may or may not find it funny - it's from the quirky comedian Steven Wright.
"I plan to live forever . . . so far, so good."

Now to grow some hair ...

~M.

Refresh: What is a PET/CT scan?

2011-05-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've written about various PETs and CTs before - and added my scan images - at:
http://mimisthisnthat.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-body-as-pet-scan-mri-scan-ct-scan.html

Here's a bit more good info:
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/services/pet_scan/hic_pet_scan.aspx

http://www.petscaninfo.com/zportal/portals/pat/petct_basics
See also the link at the bottom of that page:
http://www.petscaninfo.com/zportal/portals/pat/petct_basics/how_petct_works

PET Prep

2011-05-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

Tuesday I'm having a routine PET/CT scan of my abdomen.

Here's what I was given as preparation instructions:

48 hours prior to PET/CT scan
• No strenuous exercise (aerobic, weight-lifting, treadmill, etc.).

24 hours prior to PET/CT scan
No sugar/low starch; avoid the following items:
• Bread, pastry, cereal and pasta
• Fruits (no tomatoes)
• Desserts, muffins, crackers, candy, cookies, cakes, ice cream, yogurt, jams, jellies and honey
• Soft drinks, milk, soy milk, tonic water, juices, beer and other alcoholic beverages
• Starchy vegetables (rice, potatoes, corn, lima beans, soy beans, parsnips and peas)
• DO NOT take common cold medications.

24 hours prior to your arrival
• If you take medicine containing nicotine, please let us know immediately.
You may eat:
• Meats (beef, chicken, lamb, pork, fish) and tofu; do not use sweet sauces and do not bread the meat
• Eggs prepared without milk
• Cheese, butter, mayonnaise and unsweetened peanut butter
• Non-starchy vegetables (broccoli, asparagus, spinach, green beans and cauliflower)
• Nuts, excluding honey roasted

12 hours prior to PET/CT scan
• DO NOT eat anything 12 hours prior to the PET/CT scan.
• Drinking water before the exam is encouraged — but WATER only. Anything other than water can adversely affect the exam quality.
• All necessary medications may be taken with water (if you are diabetic please check with our PET/CT coordinator before taking diabetes medication).
• DO NOT chew gum or breath mints.
• No smoking or use of tobacco or nicotine products preferably for 12 hours or at least four hours prior to your arrival.

Got all that?

Brian MRI Is Normal

2011-05-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a routine brain MRI, then saw my Radiation Oncologist. She repeated a few times how it all looks "perfect." Hooray! The radiation worked.
There were a few small spots they were watching - which they can't watch anymore because they've disappeared. (Or a Buddhist might say, "dissolved back into emptiness.")
I'll continue to have routine brain MRIs every 2-3 months for about a year, so don't be alarmed when I say I have another one scheduled.

As some of you know, I got to attend US Festival, with featured Medicine Buddha Empowerment this year. I really felt his healing blessings and am grateful for another chance to reconnect with him.

Phantom Hair

2011-05-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

Spring Is Hair ... or so I might think, with so many things growing, and even blooming - not that I want my head to burst into bloom - but I wouldn't mind small signs of hair growing on my head. All I have is the very shortest of stubble, which I've kept throughout my treatments.

It will take months for it to grow in, but will have to start sometime. C'mon, give me a sign!

On the other hand, you could say it's been a very irregular Spring here in Seattle, weather-wise. Some days have been sunny and warmish; others - like yesterday - have felt more like November.

I'll admit there are some advantages to my micro-short hair: As you can easily guess, taking a shower takes no time at all. When I packed for my recent trip East, I got to leave behind a brush, comb, shampoo and conditioner (I simply use a liquid soap on my head). Must save money too.

And yet, in the back of my mind, I still have hair - "phantom hair" I call it, thinking it's similar to a "phantom limb" (even though there's no physical arm or limb, there are still sensations there). If you're familiar with the teachings about the emptiness of the body, I find this phenomenon worth contemplating.

There's a story about a nun in our tradition who did a lot of hiking before she ordained and cut her long hair to nun-length. One time, after she had been a nun for many years, she went for a walk with her teacher. When they stopped for a break, she took off her hat and shook her head back and forth. He wondered what she was doing. Shaking out her long hair, of course!

Another Story from Hospice

2011-05-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

From one of the women on the Ovarian Cancer discussion/support group I read, who's now on hospice, and is very happy with it:
"... beware of the nausea patch that goes behind your ear! It makes your mouth so dry....that you can spit straw. If that isn't a good enough description, mom says that it feels like the whole Russian army marched through her mouth! I guess the most important thing that she wanted me to tell you is that she is not in much pain. And what a comfort to be in your own home, in your own bed, surrounded by your family.....oh, and puppies. ..."
http://www.inspire.com/San_Antonio_Lassie/journal/hospice-daughter/#replies

Happy Buddha's Enlightenment Day!

2011-04-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

If you'd like to learn more, see http://kadampa.org/en/buddhism/buddhas-enlightenment-day/

I prostrate to everyone who's doing the practice of Drop of Essential Nectar or Offering to the Spiritual Guide.

Planning My Comeback

2011-04-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

Wed is my last chemo, and I am looking forward to having a bit more of a life soon. Even though I know, from experience, that it's going to be a year or so before I get most of my energy back, I'm already anticipating more of my normal activities in the coming months ...
At the very least, I plan to spend more time on my feet, outside, and less time on my back, on the couch.
I'm looking forward to puttering in the yard ... even doing a bit of weeding.
I love the idea of going for longer walks, maybe even a bit of jogging, and then of getting to the gym.
After that, I'm going to ...
run a marathon, then a triathlon, climb Everest, and win 5 Tours de France, sail around the world in a small rowboat ...
Let's see, what else am I forgetting? ...

Update

2011-04-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

More good news: Blood-tumor marker "CA-125" dropped again, from 18 to 15.2 - and that was before the double-whammy last week, and the Taxol this week and next.

Even better news: Today I had my penultimate Taxol chemo; next Wed is my last chemo ... hopefullly for a very long time, such as forever : )

On the other hand, I do have a bad ear infection that 3 docs are attributing to my month of radiation treatments. I did get the ear drained and am now taking antibiotic ear drops. Richard and I will see the "E,N&T" (Ear/Nose/Throat) doc again on Fri. He'll have the results of the ear culture then and will adjust the antibiotic if needed.
By the way, usually I pay $5 or $10 for drugs; the eardrops were $128!

Dex - just can't stay away!
The eardrops are called "CiproDex," which is ciprofloxacin and my old friend the steroid dexamesone, aka Dex. But I'm so fatigued, I can't say I notice the steoroid's effect yet.

The day after my last chemo (next week!), I'm very much looking to flying Newark with a friend, attending US Festival and getting Medcine Buddha teachings, then seeing Dad & Marilyn in Ramsy, and brother Andrew, sister-in-law Anne & the boys at the shore. Let's hope my ears are up for the trip!

What's new with you? I want to hear!
What are your Summer plans?

Love,
M.

Fatigue ...

2011-04-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

it's literally a drag.
I've never been tired like this when I'm not on chemo.
To clarify: There are different ways to be tired. Usually we mean lack of sleep. But this fatigue kind of tired doesn't go away with shut-eye.
This fatigue gets worse the longer you're on chemo.
(The fatigue does feel familiar from other times I've had chemo, but it's a bit worse this time since they threw in the radiation, which is also fatiguing.)

For example, now I have to lie down after walking the dog around the block because I feel wiped out. Lately, I even feel exhausted from getting dressed, just putting my arms into the sleeves of my shirt.

Here's a more technical explanation:
It's a chemo day, and my oncologist's nurse calls my name in the waiting room.
As we're walking back to his office, she asks how I'm doing.
I say, "Pretty good, but fatigued."
She says, "Of course you're fatigued! We've been knocking the stuffing out of you! [with the chemo]"

Who knew we had "stuffing"! (I've never studied anatomy.) Apparently it's part of what helps give us energy! If anyone has extra stuffing, please send it my way. Ha ha. Dumb, I know. That's the way it goes these days.
Can I blame the chemo for my bad sense of humor??

Very Good News: I'm Normal!

2011-03-16T18:40:00.001-07:00

... that is my CA-125 tumor-marker is!
Normal range for this lab is under 34, and my score last week was 18.
My onocologist wants me to keep up this chemo regimen for March and April, then do scans (to see if there are any visible masses) and another CA125. Dr K says that a CA-125 under 10 makes for the longest remission.

This means the chemo is working against my cancer.
Not every chemo drug works for every patient, so they try a different drug. Sometimes that doesn't work either, and sometimes a patient finds that none of the chemos work for them. Can you imagine how discouraging that must be? You'd still have a lot of side effects.

Another reason to keep on this path is that we have to wait for another month to get an accurate scan.

I believe if my CA-125 is low and my scans are clear at the end of April / early May, I will be done with chemo, at least for a while.

You may recall that when I was first diagnosed, in 4/2009, my CA-125 was almost 1,000; this January, the previous time it was measured, it was 76.
I was very - happily - suprised that it had dropped that far in 2 months.

Again, I have to thank you for all your prayers and support. You can clearly tell that they help.

Love,
M.

Dharma on the Couch or in Bed

2011-03-10T16:28:00.000-08:00

One of the great things about Buddhist practice, is that you can do it anywhere, under any circumstances.
Here are a few initial thoughts about what I do when my mental and physical energy is so low I can only lie in bed, or with a bit more energy, rest on the couch.
I'd love to hear any suggestions you have.

* Carol F told me she sometimes looks at the line drawings in the books, because their simplicity is easier to take in - even easier than color prints. I'd love to hear more tips like this, because it never occurred to me.
* Rejoicing - we're taught this practice, which overcomes our jealousy, can even be done lying in bed.
* I used be be able to read a few pages of Dharma text, and often take notes; there days sometimes I can only read 1 paragraph at a time. When I close the book, I just repeat that 1 paragraph to myself for as long as I can. It may be a better way to study that my usual approach!
* Mantras - I love these "portable prayers" that we can say anywhere. I say a lot of mantras.
* Favorite practices - one of my go-to practices is Taking; I must have some kind of affinity with it. It comes easily to me, and I love the practice. I do it at home but also at the various medical facilities I find myself in - where there seems to be a lot of fear and pain, without refuge.

I can list more some other time, but those are some of the main ones now.

Jayne "ShoppingKharma" Armstrong Passed Away

2011-03-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

I wrote about Jayne in a blog post titled "Not for the Fainthearted" back in Dec, because I was so impressed by her bravery, honesty and love in facing end-stage cancer. I learned a lot from her.
If you want to make your death awareness stronger, I'd recommend reading parts of her blog and imaging yourself in her position.
In words and photos, she showed the stages her body went through, as she lost weight but gained implanted medical devices.
She described her love for her husband, who gave her reason to try to stick around.
She talked frankly about her pain medicine - including medical marijuana, even naming the particular strains that really helped.
Jayne didn't shrink from detailing the difficulties of cancer - of her ovarian cancer - but also found joy wherever she could; here's one example:

"...well we've been getting the most amazing rain storm and the temperature has been very cold; perfect I would say if only I had the strength and meat on my bones to sustain me enough to go snowboarding; OMG! would that be so freaking awesome! so yes all this beautiful wonderful rain has been killing me; I've been dreaming of snowboarding quite a bit of course. I hope all the people out there are having a blast!" [but she has to get her pain-pump refilled, and her body probably isn't up for 'boarding].

On March 7th, her husband wrote on her blog that she had died. I cried to hear it.
Medical experts weren't expecting her to make it to the New Year, but she just kept going. Even though the last time I'd read her blog, several days ago, she was down to 78 pounds, I didn't really expect her to die yet.

Here's a photo of her in better days; her blog has lots of graphic photos of her in worse days.

I will request our Buddhist Center in Seattle makes prayers for her when we do our "powa" this month.
Please dedicate for her.

Photos from Florida

2011-03-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

Last week R & I were in St. Pete, on the Gulf side of Florida, visiting his brother, sister-in-law, and niece ... as well as checking on the Orioles, who are in Spring Training in Sarasota (I always hesitate before saying or writing that city, because what always comes first is "Saratoga," where my Grandfather lived).
Even though FL was sunny and warm, I'd rather live in Seattle, believe it or not.

Scene from J&V's dock

Bird of Paradise in J&V's driveway

R. at Madeira Beach

Pelicans are common in FL. Now I notice all the birds in Seattle, including one of my favorites, the great blue heron, which I just saw at Green Lake while walking the dog.

More photos at https://picasaweb.google.com/Mimi.Wagamama/FloridaStPeteSarasotaFebMarch2011#

Off to Tamara's Going-Away Party ...

2011-02-26T20:24:00.001-08:00

then going away ourselves (taking the red-eye to Florida)!

West Seattle: Walking Along Lincoln Park

2011-02-26T20:21:00.001-08:00

viewing the Olympic Mts and Puget Sound,
with my sister-in-law Vicki
https://picasaweb.google.com/Mimi.Wagamama/WestSeattleLincolnParkOlympics20110226#

1 Doc + 2 Scans = 0 Radiation

2011-02-17T06:53:00.001-08:00

Good news! I saw my main Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Vermulen, to talk about targeted radiation to a few small spots (tumors) in my brain that showed up on the Jan scan.
Before making the plan, she sent me for an MRI and a CT scan of my brain.
I was very surprised that the spots had disappeared! My whole-brain radiation was done last Wed, which was targeting my "brain snow," but I thought I'd still have a session or 2 of "CyberKnife" radiation, high-tech, "cutting edge" treatment to the spots.
I'll just have follow-up. Next scan in 2 months.

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. As you can see, they make a difference.

Photos from Walk at Golden Gardens on a Sunny Day

2011-02-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

Carol and I took SaraDog to Shilshole, at the far western edge of Ballard, where there's a marina and a park on Puget Sound. As you can see, on a clear day there are views of the Olympic Mountains, including the big peak, Mt. Olympus.

We were happier than the photo suggests; I wore sunscreen and covered up from the sun - not the cold.

Sara was really fascinated by a low-flying kite.

These photos are also online at https://picasaweb.google.com/Mimi.Wagamama/ShilsholePugetSound#

Excess Death

2011-02-11T09:33:00.000-08:00

from Dr. Pullen http://drpullen.com/excessdeath/
"Excess death or excess mortality is defined as by the Free Medical Dictionary is 'a premature death, or one that occurs before the average life expectancy for a person of a particular demographic category.' Smoking is one of the major causes of excess death. There is lots of debate about smokers rights, government intrusion into private lives, and reduction of government spending these days. Here are some thoughts on government backed efforts to encourage and help citizens quit smoking. This is on my mind today because my [Dr. Pullen's] Mom died this week of a smoking related illness, throat cancer, and I was looking for any good news about smoking cessation programs or population based success stories.
...

"If the entire US replicated this program, and had smoking cessation rates that match those in MI then by extrapolation we could add about 122 million years to the lives of Americans over a 10 year period if 6% less Americans smoked after the program.
When I think if the dollars spent to add a year of life by many medical interventions, this type of program seems like it would be a bargain. ..."

Changes I'm Making to Diet etc. [long]

2011-02-10T03:08:00.000-08:00

This could seem mundane unless you're motivated by being healthy so that you can benefit others. Over the years I've made gradual changes to my diet, exercise routine, and other things. I hope that this info is of some help to you, in encouraging you take care of the "ambulance" (body) that is your vehicle for helping others.

Now that I have cancer again, I'm continuing to read lots of books and websites and to talk to various healers and friends who know a lot about nutrition.
I still have a very complicated schedule of supplements and activities [remind me to write a post about those "logic puzzles], so I have been easing into these changes slowly, and making note of the ones I want to add later.
If you've read Anti-Cancer - or other books about cancer and diet - you can learn how changing your eating habits can keep your immune system and your whole body stronger, which means that cancer cells can be destroyed early, before they have a chance to gather together as a tumor, much less go on a "road trip" to a distant organ, where the treatments get tougher and the odds get longer.
On the other hand, I have a genetic mutation that gives me a much higher lifetime risk of getting cancer; my health history bears that out - that is, my DNA - really a form of karma [a blog entry I've been drafting in my head for a few years now].
When people get cancer, they ask, "Why? Why me." I'm odd, so I think "Why not me?" I know it's my karma ripening.
Most people looking for an ordinary explanation tend to look for 1 single cause, but I tend to think a cluster of ordinary things created the secondary conditions that allowed my karma to ripen at that time, in that particular way.

I read Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer by Siddhartha Mukherjee, a thick but very readable history of the treatment of cancer from ancient times to the present. Mostly it tells about doctors attempts to carve out cancer surgically, then they tried dosing it with nasty chemo drugs, which sometimes killed the patients. Then Mukherjee talks about some of the promising new targeted or genetic or "personalized" treatments that use tumor assays and the like.
Toward the end of the book, however, he also mentions environmental links, such as between asbestos exposure to workers and their rates of lung cancer.
More than 10 years ago, I read a very interesting book called Living Downstream: An Ecologist's Personal Investigation of Cancer and the Environment, by Sandra Steingraber. I gave away my copy, and the book went out of print, but will be back next month; I plan to re-read it.
Some day more effort will be focused on preventing cancer in the first place; right now, there are more incentives for companies and researchers to work on drugs that fight the cancer once it's already arisen. (And actually it's so expensive for the drug companies that the US government is stepping in to help.)

Diet
I've been vegetarian for several years. Richard grows a lot of our produce in the back yard. We try out a lot of different non-meat meats.
If I could I'd be vegan because I really admire their compassion for animals, but I'm not ready yet.

Here are some of the things I've changed in the past several months:

* Dairy - Almond milk instead of Cow Milk mostly. (Rice milk is kinda thin and I don't think it has as much protein.)
Organic dairy, including butter (which I'm still very fond of) and yogurt (which hasn't appealed since I started chemo).

* Eggs - Organic, free-range eggs.

* Organic - everything as much as possible, not just produce but also bulk foods, snacks, teas, etc.; if you have to discriminate, see the most and least important foods to buy organic at
http://www.organicspringtime.com/organic-fruits/organic-fruits-and-vegetables-top-ten-list-45/
http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/eat-safe/Dirty-Dozen-Foods
http://recipes.howstuffworks.com/10-foods-you-should-buy-organic1.htm

* Sweeteners - I've rarely added sugar to things. Occasionally when I'm traveling and feel I really need caffeine, and there's coffee, which turns out to be quite foul, I'll add sugar. If they have some kind of organic or raw or sugar, I'll use that.
Now that my tastebuds are off because of the chemo, I'm learning Rebecca Katz's "FASS" method for how to adjust the flavor of foods so that I'm more likely to eat them. One of the Ss is "Sweet," and I do find a natural sweetener makes drinks like tea taste better.
Katz wrote 2 excellent cookbooks, Cancer-Fighting Kitchen: Nourishing, Big-Flavor Recipes for Cancer Treatment and Recovery and One Bite at a Time, Nourishing Recipes for Cancer Survivors and Their Friends. Even if you don't have cancer, I highly recommend them as excellent cookbooks: visually appealing, well-designed, with helpful notes in sidebars of recipes, great reference material in the book, and a friendly, encouraging tone. If you like, I can email you an excerpt. She has the best cooking lesson for how to adjust the flavor of foods. If I had kids, I'd teach them with it; if I was learning to cook, I'd keep re-reading it.

I tried Agave Nectar at a local teahouse and found it made non-caffeinated rooibos chai with almond milk taste even better. I hear Stevia's good too; also maple syrup - Rebecca Katz recommends Grade B syrup for better flavor; this is also what locals said when I lived in Vermont.
For more info, see PCC's Guide to Natural Sweeteners

* Protein - when you're on chemo, you need extra protein to help repair tissues that are harmed; when you're a vegetarian on chemo, you need even more. Here are some newer ways I've added more protein to my diet.

"Scotch" and Hard-Boiled Eggs - Richard makes a bunch of hard-boiled eggs, which I like a lot; even when you're in a hurry, you can grab a couple; I love them with salt and a bit of pepper. Thankfully, my blood-pressure and cholesterol are low. For extra protein, R will make "Scotch Eggs" by cooking (vegetarian) sausage and wrapping it around the hard-boiled eggs.

Rice Protein Powder - add to oatmeal, applesauce, smoothies and other drinks with "body."

Apple with Almond Butter or Peanut Butter - fresh ground from only the nuts - at the coop ("PCC"); I absorbed this from the residents at the Olympia Dharma house, especially Jamie; it's one thing to read about, but even better to see a friend actually doing it, regularly. Also works on banana. Right now we have a box of Washington Fuji apples R's sister Susie got right from the farm (she even paid in a donation box); hence the apple as the delivery vehicle for the protein.

Mexican - add Soyrizo, beans, organic cheese to Huevos Rancheros, burritos, etc.

Vegetarian Reuben sandwiches! Got the idea from Grand Central Bakery & Cafe, but they use a slab of tofu. Richard makes it by grilling the rye bread with butter, melting Swiss cheese, adding sauerkraut and fake "ham" or other choice of vegetarian meat, and topping with homemade Russian dressing. Serve with a simple soup.

"Meat" - Field Roast, grain-based protein which is local to Seatte; Quorn, which some people have trouble digesting but the rest of us find very versatile for adapting chicken recipes, etc.; Yves and other brands for sandwich meats. When combined with other ingredients or condiments, the fake meat basically provides "mouth feel" (texture). For more info, see Savory Meat Alternatives from the PCC

Salmon - Wild Alaskan; I haven't eaten fish in a long time but sense I could really use that form of protein; I always thank the fish for giving up its life for me and wish it an auspicious rebirth. Expensive. For more info, see PCC's Seafood Choices for Healthier Oceans.

Hummus - we've been eating it often for a few years; Richard and Dachog both make it from scratch, although sometimes we get it from a tsog puja or buy a flavored version if we don't have time to cook the garbazo beans.

Beans - Richard often cooks other beans from scratch, and we keep them in the fridge for burritos and sometimes other dishes. Very cheap!

Breakfast Sausage - add as a side when you're having eggs or toast. The Morningstar Farms brand of links or patties tastes fine to me. None of the fake meats is very cheap, but that's not an issue for me right now.

Next steps:
* Keep working to add more dark, leafy greens.
I really like the Emerald City salad from the deli case at the PCC coop.

* Eat more beets. They're supposed to be particularly good for my constitution, according to my acupuncturist, other nutrition experts I know, and Paul Pitchford's excellent - but very big - book Healing With Whole Foods: Asian Traditions and Modern Nutrition. Great book for anyone interested in changing their diet.
Dachog made us pickled beets and hard-boiled eggs, which are some of my favorites and keep for a long time in the fridge. I also like the beet salad from the salad bar at Ballard Market.

* Make more smoothies and juices. I've been getting up at 4am, and haven't wanted to use the Vitamix, the juicer or the blender out of concern it would wake up Richard; later in the day, it hasn't been occurring to me ... yet. Add protein powder.

* Pull out and use crock pot again. Our good friends Marie and Tom use theirs all the time and think it's great.

* Sprout more mung beans at home - with just a 16oz glass jar, a canning rim, and cheesecloth.

Cosmetics
What cosmetics, you ask? (I hardly wear any!) Well, it turns out that manicures, hair products and other beauty supplies often contain a lot of dubious chemicals. Lots of products are sold as "natural," but if you really want to know, you need to do a bit of checking elsewhere, not just reading the label.
For more info, see:
* Skin Deep - a safety guide to cosmetics and personal care products the Environmental Working Group

* Deodorant - I just changed to Crystal, a non-Paraben, non-scented deodorant from PCC coop; this is the info from Skin Deep about Crystal.

Cleaners - for around house

For more info, see:
* Alternative Cleaners and Recipes - using cheap, common ingredients like vinegar, baking soda, and castile soap
* Washington Toxics Coalition - pesticides too; see info about kids safety and health too.

Celebrated Last Radiation Today!

2011-02-10T01:06:00.000-08:00

Today was my last whole-brain treatment (#20 of 20)!
Hooray! I'm done ... with the bread of my sandwich.
Yesterday was my "penultimate" treatment - I like the sound of it - it means "next-to-last," which makes today's the "ultimate" and final treatment.

Those radiations were easy and quick, but ran every Monday - Friday; now I'll have more time without those appointments and the small travel time they each involved.
I asked Richard if he'd bake something delicious and somewhat nutritious that I could share with all the friendly, helpful people at Swedish, so he made oatmeal cookies, with some Ghirardelli chocolate chips. I also had a few last night and today at chemo. They definitely have the power of Yum, as cookbook author Rebecca Katz would say.
Believe it or not, I'm "sunburned in Seattle." When I get a chance, I'll add a photo. The burn is from the radiation. Even Dr. Mate volunteered that he didn't know why only your forehead and the corners of your eyes get sunburned, when they were radiating the whole top of my skull. It will go away by itself in about a week.
I've been very religious about using the Calendula Cream or the pure Aloe Vera they recommend to help prevent skin reactions. You just can't use any moisturizer 3 hours before treatment or it will make the sunburn worse. The burn itches a bit, for which they recommend a dab of hydrocortisone, but mostly I just ignore the itching.

I also need to wear sunscreen, and when we're in Florida Dr. Kaplan strongly recommended wearing a hat too. For the 2 Orioles Spring Training baseball games we're going to, he said I should wear a Yankee's cap (his team, which would provoke many Orioles fans, including the one who might otherwise sit next to me); I suggested maybe a Tampa Bay Rays hat; Dr K suggested a baseball hat from neutral team like the Mariner's.
I also mentioned that I had a good hat with a wide brim, which even protected me from the intense sun in Brazil. It packs well, is lightweight, and doesn't fly off in a breeze (important especially when you're on a boat, as I learned from Richard's Dad). Hat's good for hiking too.

I'm looking forward to being in a place where you need a sun hat! Seattle was very sunny today, and is forecast to be sunny tomorrow too. We don't get many days like this in the winter, and it makes us really appreciate them.
Do you know the movie L.A. Story with Steve Martin? He plays a TV weatherman who's bored because the weather in L.A. is always sunny! In Seattle, weather forecasters are never bored. We often say, "If you don't like the weather, just wait 5 minutes." It often does change that fast. On Tuesday it was sunny when I went in for my radiation treatment; when I got out 20 minutes later it was pouring; on the ride home it started hailing!

I'm tapering off the "D" - just 1x/day now - but judging by the time now, it's still affecting my inner clock. Time to go to bed.
Wishing all a good night and a good sleep.

~M.

My Pod of Refuge

2011-02-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

Some of you who haven't seen me in person may be skeptical that I'm doing so well.
I say, "it's true!" And all because of my refuge in Buddhism, which means I seek help from Buddha; Buddha's teachings, Dharma; and my Buddhist community, Sangha.

Any adversity is a good chance to really test out the teachings, and for me everything I've learned is true. They work. Every different method I've learned protects me from suffering. For example, when you have a bit of suffering, you think about others and how many are much worse off than you are, especially when they have no faith in any spiritual path - Christian, Muslim, Hindu or whatever it is - and that gives me protection, because it evokes compassion. In Buddhism, focusing too much on yourself and too little on others is what causes our suffering in the first place.

So I feel safe deep inside. This is the part where it gets more impressionistic or poetic or something ...
Lately I feel like I can go into my heart, and my refuge feels like a like a mini white egg-shaped pod. I think I'm picturing something like that futurist individual transport from the old Woody Allen movie Sleeper, where he's in a one-person car that doesn't touch the ground. I could be mis-remembering it and mixing it with something from one of the Star Wars movies, where they're riding those ATV-like machines through the woods that don't touch the ground. Or maybe I'm combining with the white, egg-shaped Orgasmatron from Sleeper. (Think bliss!)

Actually, the top half of my pod is white and the bottom half is red : ) (We're studying Mahamudra Tantra in class now, which describes the indestructible drop at your heart this way.)

Richard pointed out that my pod would have headlights of 5 colors : )

Unplug me - Funny!

2011-02-05T01:30:00.001-08:00

from the online Ovarian Discussion / Support website I read ...

Living Will: A story.

"Last night my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine."

LOL.

Need something to do to beat cabin fever? More Laughs

2011-02-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

from the online Ovarian Discussion / Support website I read ...

Can't handle the boredom of being stuck indoors?

Just click here http://tinyurl.com/49a8ebg
OR follow these steps in your Internet browser:
1. Go to Google Maps
2 Hit Get Directions
3. Your starting point is USA
4. Your destination is JAPAN

Scroll down to #31 and have a good laugh.

See you in the Land of the Rising Sun.

Feeling Surprisingly Good

2011-02-04T18:48:00.000-08:00

Just a bit tired, especially now in the evening. I'll be more fatigued the next few days.
Tomorrow we have Kadam Heather from Portland as a guest Teacher doing a day course on Karma, which I plan to attend, even if I have to lie down in the back for it.

I'll probably also be spending a lot of time on the couch, reading, and Sunday watching part of what Richard calls the "Stupor-bowl." As Carol F says, "May everyone play well, and no one get hurt."

I slept really last night well - all the way to 7am - and was quite productive until I left for radiation. I was feeling well enough to drive myself.

Oh, and this is very good news, Dr. K tapered my Decadron again, so I am now taking just 1 mg 2x/day. Probably part of the reason I slept longer.

More this weekend. ...

Big Sandwich This Week

2011-02-01T10:08:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, in addition to radiation, and in addition to the Taxol chemo I get 3 weeks out of 4, I will get the more heavy-duty chemo Cisplatin. They say it's a lot to bite off, but my body seems to digest it pretty well.

The first time I had this combo, my doctor recommended I have it in the hospital, so that they could monitor me and give me IV fluids - it's important to stay hydrated, because one of the side-effects of the "Cis" can be kidney damage.

Because I tolerated the chemo, I'll have it as an out-patient, like my other chemos, only I'll be at the infusion center all day, staring at 8:30 am. I'll be drinking a lot.
Given the Decadron steroid, which makes people ravenous, I will probably be eating a lot too. Note to self: Pack lots of food.

I also always pack my mala, a small Medicine Buddha statue, and a Dharma book. I bring my laptop and usually a New Yorker magazine. I bring plenty to keep myself occupied.

After they've hooked up my port-a-cath to the IV, they give me saline, then "pre-meds," which are a few different drugs to prevent nausea and vomitting - one of which, Emend, is very expensive - thank goodness for good insurance, and for karma to have those drugs work for me; they don't work for some.
Other pre-meds help prevent reactions to the chemo drugs. I think that's what the Benadryl is supposed to do; what it *actually* does is put me to sleep.

So I bring all these things, thinking I will get a chance to read, and then I immediately fall asleep. Plane rides can be like that too: You bring material to read, work or study, but if you're like me, you barely make a dent in them a lot of the time.

I will probably be fatigued after a few days - there's a bit of a time-lag - and it will last a week or so.

No "Sandwich" This Week - or "Hold the Chemo"

2011-01-26T22:10:00.000-08:00

I have an empty sandwich this week - it's my week off of chemo. Hooray!
I'll still get the daily bread of radiation M-F, but that is, as they say, a "piece of cake," compared to chemo ... for me, anyway. I don't mean to downplay that radiation affects patients, physically, mentally, spiritually. It definitely is doing something strange to my inner energy winds, which I will have to write about another time.

So I celebrate not having chemo. If you didn't have chemo today, you can celebrate too!
A "meaningful absence," as we say in Buddhism about the profound wisdom subject called emptiness or ultimate truth. Writing about that subject now is way beyond me.
If you've ever had your car towed from a parking place, you know the feeling: You're on the sidewalk looking at the spot where you left your car; a friend comes up to see why you're looking at this empty space; you're stunned because you're looking at where your car used to be; all your friend sees is the empty space - but it's a meaningful absence for you because you were expecting something there..
The clearest explanation of this topic I have ever read - or can even imagine - is in Geshe Kelsang Gyatso's latest book, Modern Buddhism.

This is the rhythm of my days.
My treatment cycle beings with a double-hit of chemo. Not only is it 2 chemo drugs, but the 1 drug (Cisplatin) is considered quite strong. When I get chemo, it's on Wednesdays.
The next 2 weeks I just get 1 chemo (Taxol), which is relatively easy to take.
The 4th week I get chemo off.
I'm not sure how many "cycles" or "rounds" of chemo I'll be getting, where 1 round is the 4 weeks-worth of chemo. It all depends on how it's working, which they check based on my symptoms, CT and MRI imaging, and blood tests.
As I mentioned, I also get radiation every weekday, at 2pm. My radiation plan calls for 20 treatments, and I just finished #10. Halfway!

There's also the rhythm of my energy, within a day and over the cycle.
Mornings I'm at my best; after dinner I'm in bed.
Did you know that the fatiguing effects of chemo only kick in a few days after the treatment? And that over time, the fatigue accumulates?
This is a very good week for me because I am farthest away from the 1-2 punch of the Cisplatin and Taxol, and because the last week there's no chemo so that my body can get a break and recover.

These cycles remind me of the way Gen Khedrub talks about the rhythm of TTP: focusing on studying, focusing on group discussion, then focusing on meditation retreat.

Don't worry about my empty sandwich - I still have lots to eat.

Happy Heruka Day!

2011-01-25T04:06:00.000-08:00

Every year on January 25th, Kadampa Buddhists make special offerings for Heruka Day. Heruka is the Tantric Buddha of Compassion. You can read more about him here: http://kadampa.org/en/buddhism/heruka-vajrayogini
I will be at Offering to the Spiritual Guide prayers tonight at the Temple, probably lying down in the back row for some of it. Thank you to everyone who is setting up for the prayers - I wish I was able to help you.
If you know of anyone who needs prayers, today is a great day to pray for them. It is a day to pray for world peace. (Did you see the news yesterday about all the shootings in the U.S.? Times are scary.) There are so many people and animals suffering all over the world. May they soon find read happiness.

Buff P.S.

2011-01-24T20:39:00.000-08:00

Today I debuted my Buff headgear; my radiation techs, Brea and Sharon, recognized it as what they wear on "Survivor"! Yes, it's a bandana, a cowl, and so on. My techs told me on "Survivor," it's a bra and a swim top and a skirt!
I may be Buff, but I'm not that buff.
Maybe it's because I'm punchy, but that strikes me as hilarious - that the tube that fits snuggly on my head could fit over my hips.
I'd like to reassure you all that you will not be seeing it anywhere but on my head.

Off the Canvas

2011-01-24T20:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I may have said I was "down for the count," but apparently the count just went to 3 : )
I took an Ambien and went to bed early. Slept really well, woke up early; made oatmeal with steel-cut oats; read a page of Mahamudra Tantra with breakfast; took my meds; walked the dog to Green Lake listening to Geshe-la's Je Tsongkhapa Empowerment in Brazil; while drinking my Chinese medicinal tea, did reception at the Temple starting at 9am, until Noreen gave me a break so that I could run to get a bagel with cream cheese and a piece of squash bread, took a rest in Carmen's room; with about 15 people - many from lunchtime meditation - ate the delicious Mediterranean lunch at the Temple ('zarah' style cauliflower with sesame sauce, Middle Eastern spicy carrot spread, babaganoush eggplant spread, rice pilaf, 2 kinds of hummus, fresh veggies for dipping, pita bread, gluten-free rice crackers as alternative pita, green salad); got radiation; saw my radiation doc, talked about antioxidants in my diet; went home for a rest; took more meds; walked the dog around the block; rested in bed; at dinner at Bizarro with Sally. Home again.
Didn't mean to scare you about the canvas or the count.

On the Canvas. Staying on the Canvas.

2011-01-23T20:56:00.001-08:00

Sometimes when you've been hit a bunch of times, it's better to just stay down on the canvas - resting until the next round - than to get up and take another punch.
When I was young & stupid, I didn't know this.

Signed,
Down for the Count

Update on Woman with End-Stage Cancer "ShoppingKharma"

2011-01-23T00:09:00.000-08:00

I was so inspired by this woman nicknamed "ShoppingKharma" with end-stage ovarian cancer, I wrote about her last month. She could die any day, but check out her attitude!
Now, she's doing well enough that she may have to move *off* hospice!
When someone's still alive, we say they're "still kicking"; she is still kicking up her heels and dancing.

This is her update but also her advice to cancer survivors who are done with treatment but may be anxious about cancer's return:
http://www.inspire.com/groups/ovarian-cancer-national-alliance/discussion/those-are-waiting-for-your-cancer-to-return
If you know someone in this situation, please pass along this advice.

Here's her blog: http://shoppingkharma.blogspot.com/

When I grow up, I want to be like her ...

Rogaine Ain't Gonna Help - Various Thoughts on Hair

2011-01-22T08:33:00.000-08:00

My hair has started falling out. Don't be surprised when you see me in a scarf or hat next time, minus hair.

Or I may be "buff." Uma recommended this versatile headgear designed for outdoor/active types known by the brand name Buff. My outdoor friends all knew of it. In the past, I've worn mostly scarves and some "chemo hats," some from places that always have brochures where women and chemo hang out.

Buff of Canada has a range of patterns - from Grateful Dead to fishscales to beautiful, stylish prints - and a few different fabrics (fleece, Merino wool, Coolmax, etc.) and are designed to be versatile ("can be worn as a neckerchief, headband,wristband, mask, hairband, balaclava, scarf, scrunchie,saharaine, pirate cap, beanie and bandana").
For a Buddhist the nice thing is that with the tube-shaped buff, unlike a hat, you can open the top of your crown when you're in the meditation room, which at least symbolically helps you receive the blessings.

***
I could tell gravity was pulling extra hard on my hair from the way my scalp started feeling a few days ago - sensitive to the touch.
Yesterday, a bit came out when I was washing my hair, with more in the comb afterward.

I've been through this twice before, so it's a bit "old hat" (or is it new hat, time for a new one?). I have to say the first time it is a bit traumatic. And I am not someone who spends a lot of time on my hair, or any other part of my physical "image" - to state the obvious. Imagine what it's like for most people: Hair can be a very big part of your identity.

***
It's disturbing to wake up and find all this loose hair on your pillowcase, and during the day it gets to be a nuisance to "shed" so often. Our dog already covers the house with her fur.
What I - and many others - find is that it's better to just cut it, then shave it off (Richard wielding the clippers in the bathroom) and then get on with being bald for a bit. Trying to make your hair last doesn't seem to help.

***
Getting your hair shorn off by a friend may remind the nuns reading this of their first buzz-cut on the way to becoming ordained. It's a big symbolic step, and I can only assume there's some trepidation involved for some, but I wouldn't really know. I do remember that Dachog threatened to do a 2-stage process, with a neon-colored mohawk as the middle step. (For those of you who don't know, Dachog is a Kadampa Buddhist nun who got ordained in her 80s; she's my amazing "pseudo mother in law" [Richard's mom - mother of 5!])

***
The experience is good for my compassion. I know it's a fear of a lot of middle-aged men to go bald. I'm going through the process quite quickly. (Just like I went through women's middle-age "crisis" menopause, through surgery, quite quickly.)

***
There are people who decline chemo because the chemo drugs they need cause hair loss. (By the way, not all chemo drugs do.) Sad. No potentially life-saving treatment because you'll be a few months without your hair? When there are many comfortable wigs you can wear, that very few people even know are wigs? There are even wigs you can get made from your own hair (though they're pricey).
When I was getting chemo one time, the nurses were talking about a women who refused chemo because she didn't want to lose her hair. For her, the chemo was supposed to be 95% effective at giving her a cure. A couple of years later, her cancer came back and she wanted chemo, but the odds were much longer then.

***
Arjuna told me about a coworker - a Leo (big personality) - beautiful - not just a cosmetologist, but a teacher of cosmetologists. When she was initially diagnosed with cancer, she was in denial for a brief time ("this is not happening to me!"). Then she swung into gear and embraced it - she had a big party to cut off her hair before it fell out to chemo. Friends, in solidarity, shaved their heads bald. I think she now helps others have a joyous time while they're losing their hair.

***
Thankfully, as I told the radiation techs, my hair isn't my best feature.
I told them my brain was, so that they'd take extra care with me.
You'll have to fill in the blank what you think my best feature is .... or are you still looking for one?

Genetic Testing - Important!

2011-01-21T07:20:00.000-08:00

I'm adding this here as a public service. If you have a history of cancer in your family, you should look into getting tested. I probably should have done it 3 years ago, after legislation passed that protects you from health-insurance discrimination (GINA, Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act - http://www.genome.gov/24519851). Note: but not from life-insurance, disability, etc. discrimination. If you already have them, you're fine. There are strategies to get coverage and then get tested.

This is a copy of what I wrote for my family.

Here's a very important subject that should be of interest to everyone in my family: Yesterday Richard and I went to an appointment for genetic counseling, then I gave blood to be tested for BRAC1 and BRAC2, the two breast-cancer genes they've identified so far (well, there are others, but don't apply given our background).
There's lots to say about this. So much info. So many implications.
Results in about 2 weeks, and of course I will tell you all about it. [Delay if insurance doesn't want to pay for it - it's $4,000 each test! But when family members go to get tested, it's much, much cheaper, because the lab knows just where to look - they don't have to sequence your whole DNA. By the way, there's only 1 lab in the US that does the testing - Myriad Genetics in Salt Lake. - tell family later - M]
Here's a link in the meantime:
http://www.swedish.org/Services/Cancer-Institute/Services/Cancer-Genetic-Counseling-Tests
It has info and shows a video of the guy we met with, Bob Resta.
He was excellent - and funny!

Here's a book that Resta recommended and we got to look at in his office. Swedish also has it in their lending library. If you want a copy, I will send you one (we get free shipping from Amazon).
Positive Results: Making the Best Decisions When You're at High Risk for Breast or Ovarian Cancer
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Results-Making-Decisions-Ovarian/dp/1591027764/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1295621792&sr=1-1

I am also going to bank my DNA, so that when they learn more about genes, you will always be able to access it. It only costs $150 to bank it in perpetuity.

More to come ...

Changing Attachments - Drinks

2011-01-20T07:57:00.000-08:00

My most obvious attachment has long been black tea with milk. I looked forward to a nice cup when I got out of bed in the morning, and a nice cup in the afternoon. I used to drink 3-4 cups but have cut back, partly at the suggestion of my acupuncturist and other health experts. I'll substitute a green tea for one of those cups. I take the Chinese herbal (medicinal) tea that my acupuncturist prescribes - which typically don't taste that bad - as another serving of tea or two.
As you may have heard, chemo tends to change your taste buds. Now black tea doesn't appeal very much. The tea and milk are exactly the same, but the experience is different.

I used to think about it: What is it about the tea brings me happiness? Years ago I remember Karl in our TTP Buddhism class talk about analyzing what your attachments represent for you. For me, tea with milk is comfort. Not only that, but if you have a problem, it seems to promise to make it better!
For other attachments, money represents security. Approval from others represents love. [There's a whole essay here I could write but don't have time for. Hope you can follow this "draft."]
I feel quite at home when I visit England, because English society knows this curative ability of tea : )

But you look at it: Hot water, with some flavoring? How could it possibly do that? Solve my problems? Not for very long, anyway.

As a Buddhist, you try to be mindful of what you're doing. While you're drinking, you may enjoy the first few sips, then you might lose your attention. You may not even finish it all, or it's a bit of a duty - just to get rid of the liquid. You even let it get cold, and simply swallow what's left as you're taking the cup to be washed. Or it's really nice and you are paying attention, you're already anticipating another cup while you're enjoying the cup right in hand! We are funny creatures.

So our Buddhist practice is transforming our daily practices into the spiritual path. We don't give up drinking tea, but we don't believe it can help in a way it won't. If we'd like a cup of tea, and there's no tea, it's OK.

I love the Tantric practice of offering everything we drink (and eat) to the Buddhas at our heart. I try to do that often, and get reinforcement because we just studied Guide to Dakini Land, we're now on Mahamudra Tantra, and January is Heruka and Vajrayogini month. Sangha help remind me of the practice when I get forgetful. Sangha! Where would we be without them?

But cancer is also very good for renunciation, so I tend to think of what I drink and eat as fuel for my "ambulance" (my body as a vehicle to help others, but it needs to be taken care of). When you're on chemo - or radiation - you have to pay attention to your diet. Everyone should drink lots of pure water, but especially people on chemo, to help flush out the toxins. Usually I have no problem drinking water, but now it doesn't taste that great. I often drink because I should, not because I really want to. I like a splash of juice - at the moment I really like a splash of an organic berry mix in the water. When I get tired of that, a splash of lemonade is next.

Food will be like that too. Even if you're not having nausea or vomiting, the chemo usually does something to your appetite - you just don't feel like eating, just at a time you need your body to have lots of protein and other healthy foods so that it can handle the drugs. When my Mom had cancer, my Dad tried so hard to find food that she would eat. She'd finally say OK to something, and then couldn't eat it when it arrived 20 minutes later. It can be really hard for your caregiver.
If you've been following this blog, you saw that at the moment, that isn't a problem, because I'm taking the steroid drug Decadron, but don't be surprised if I write about food at some point.

Celebrated Richard's Birthday

2011-01-17T23:42:00.000-08:00

Wonderful time with Richard's family.

His sister Susie arrived this afternoon from the Okanago, then his niece Maggy from the UW this evening; Dachog came last night too.
(Susie is helping 2 men in their family celebrate b-days: She leaves tomorrow at 4am for her flight to Baltimore via Chicago, to celebrate an even bigger birthday: Their Dad's 90th! Wow! She's meeting up with their brother John and his family, who are flying in from Florida. I'm glad some family can go party with their Dad in person.)

Susie and Dachog "catered" us with Greek food. Greek fries with feta! Spanakopita. Dolmathes. Babaganoush. Hummus. Roasted red peppers. Greek salad. Caesar salad. Rice pilaf. Red-pepper spread. Moussaka. Falafel (or "feel awful" as Richard calls it, even though he likes it : ).

Maggy gave Richard the Apples to Apples game, so they all had great fun with that between dinner and dessert while I enjoyed them from the couch – resting. It was funny not knowing the game and overhearing shouts of “ludicrous!” followed by “Jessica Simpson,” then laughter. (Remember that Je Tsongkhapa laughed for 3 days when he realized emptiness? I am so looking forward to that, and like to think that each laugh will help get me closer.)

At my own radiation treatment (RTX* to those in the know), Linda at the front-desk and my rad techs know Richard and sent b-day wishes home with me.

* "Mags" has 2 midterms tomorrow morning. She said for her world public health / economics class (not the real name of the course, but sorta close?), she has to memorize a bunch of acronyms. Maybe that's why it popped out here.
I went to a small liberal arts college where we studied subjects like Geology and Calculus. Maggy has these interdisciplinary classes that have long names like "Population Metrics in Global Health"; that's my excuse.

Buddhism & Politics: Sri Lanka and "A Great Deception"

2011-01-17T12:52:00.000-08:00

No religion, not even Buddhism, should be mixed with politics.
I'm so sad to report that contemporary Sri Lanka shows an example of why.
The current issue of The New Yorker has a long article about Sri Lanka, "Death of the Tiger: Sri Lanka’s brutal victory over its Tamil insurgent."
I spent a month in Sri Lanka in Jan 1984, so it is close to my heart, and the news makes me very sad. Sri Lanka seemed in many ways like paradise. A group of us students toured with a grass-roots group that was working on sustainable development and peace.

You don't need to read about Sri Lanka. I'll just tell you that the majority Sinhalese are Buddhists, and the government was making life hard for the Hindu Tamils, as well as the Muslims there, in many ways that are familiar all over the world. There was a awful war, and what's worse is that the brutal tactics used may become the method for others to deal with terrorism.

Most Americans understand the need to separate religion and politics. They may think that religion is to blame. But every real religion believes in peace and tolerance, love and compassion. Bad things are bound to happen when religion is combined with power.
You may have heard of the new book called "A Great Deception," which has a lot of history about politics and Buddhism in Tibet. There's also a great website about the issue: http://www.agreatdeception.com/
Part of me would like to pretend that none of this ever happened, is not happening, and is not going to happen in the future. Because I care about Buddhism - pure Buddhism, without politics - I see why it's so important to explain the situation, so that Buddhism can flourish despite these obstructions. Think for yourself.
Reading about Sri Lanka, I understand again why we need the book so much right now.

Eating, Eating, Eating

2011-01-17T09:31:00.000-08:00

This is one of those daily-life, nuts & bolts posts that can give blogs and Facebook and Twitter a bad name. But in case anyone is wants a little window in my life with cancer, here's a current view of my diet.
You may have heard that it can be hard to eat when you're on chemo - foods don't appeal, even drinks taste funny, nausea and vomiting threaten. That's all true. I experienced a bit of those in the past, and probably will again in the future.
Right now, though, I am eating like a football player - big meals, several times a day!
It's the Decadron steroid, which keeps the swelling down in my head. It also makes me ravenous, bossy, and insomniac.

Saturday

Breakfast - I had homemade colcannon (Irish potato, cabbage & cheese) that Richard made, along with a hard-boiled egg. He boiled up a bunch to have on hand - easy for me to grab some protein, especially in the morning. (I hope my acupuncturist is reading this. She recommended getting a lot of protein first thing, and we have rice protein powder supplement on hand at her recommendation. It's good for adding to oatmeal and drinks.)

Second Breakfast (as they say in Hobbitland) - Because I should take the Decadron with food, I had a bowl of Richard's homemade apple crisp (Granny Smith apples his sister Susie had brought us, with oats and walnuts and not much sugar or anything else).

Lunch - vegetarian Thai buffet in the University District with Richard and his niece Maggy, who started at the UW in the Fall. We got to see her new dorm room, too. As Richard said, it has the best views of Seattle of anyone we know: Lake Washington, Mt Rainer, the Space Needle!

Snack - On the way out of Maggy's dorm, we got to see the cafe downstairs where Maggy works part-time, and I caught a whiff of pizza, so I got a Pagliacci cheese slice to go. (Remember this is not too long after a buffet lunch!)

Dinner - Dachog and Cecilia T (visiting all the way from New Mexico!) had dropped off vegetarian sushi and olive hummos with pita crisps.

Now it looks like we could be spending more on food than on medical bills!

So many people have already offered to bring us food. It's so wonderful! I wish everyone had this kind of support. It's not really the food, you know.

We have so many people bringing food, I thought I might need to reign you in, but apparently not while I'm on Decadron. Richard is literally shopping for a larger fridge.

Even his brother John, who lives in Florida, seriously offered to fly out next weekend and make a big batch of minestrone! John is Maggy (and Lizzy's) Dad, Vicki's Husband, with a demanding full-time job. He's already visited twice in the past several months. We got to tell him how many local people were feeding us.

There's lots of info about eating better during chemo.

Here's one link: http://www.chemocare.com/eatingwell/tips_for_managing_eating_problems.asp

For reference, we also have a copy of The Cancer-Fighting Kitchen, which you are welcome to borrow. It's visually very appealing.

"People Never Really Die" - View from Haiti

2011-01-16T05:17:00.000-08:00

A highly recommended short piece in the latest New Yorker by the Haitian-American writer Edwidge Danticat.

If you've looked at the news recently, you probably seen an update about Haiti, a year after the earthquake, and more recently with a cholera epidemic, on top of every other daily struggle for existence there. Danticat grew up there and has family there, and is able to convey some of the spiritual meaning for them, including voudou and spirits and going "anba dlo—under the water."

Here's an excerpt:
“In Haiti, people never really die,” my grandmothers said when I was a child, which seemed strange, because in Haiti people were always dying. They died in disasters both natural and man-made. They died from political violence. They died of infections that would have been easily treated elsewhere. They even died of chagrin, of broken hearts. But what I didn’t fully understand was that in Haiti people’s spirits never really die. This has been proved true in the stories we have seen and read during the past year, of boundless suffering endured with grace and dignity: mothers have spent nights standing knee-deep in mud, cradling their babies in their arms, while rain pounded the tarpaulin above their heads; amputees have learned to walk, and even dance, on their new prostheses within hours of getting them; rape victims have created organizations to protect other rape victims; people have tried, in any way they could, to reclaim a shadow of their past lives.

http://www.newyorker.com/talk/comment/2011/01/17/110117taco_talk_danticat

Spine MRI was Good

2011-01-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

Just got a call from my oncologist Kaplan - everything looked fine in the MRI.

Back to the movie ...

Report from Whole-Brain Radiation

2011-01-14T07:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had my first of 20 whole-brain radiation treatments. In short, it went well - and fast, even though the first session was the longest, because there was a bit of setup.
We spent a few minutes in the "gowned waiting room," - they let Richard and me in, even though we remained in street clothes. So many of these offices have Internet connections now, which is really nice for us, because Richard can do his online thing while I do my thing.

I wouldn't call the room a spa, like my last targeted brain radiation - the plain setting would be familiar if you've ever had a CT, PET or MRI scan: A big whitish room, with a table in the middle and a grayish machine nearby. I'm not complaining - I'm just saying I didn't see anything in the way of Oriental design touches : )
The techs were friendly and competent.
When you go to lie down, you put your head on a small plastic riser - it's like the squarish packing from an electronic device you buy - that is, nothing fancy. If you saw it on the floor, you'd recycle it. No cushioning, not that it was uncomfortable.
The bed is pretty narrow - I mentioned my arms had a tendency to slide off the sides - and I didn't want any body movement during the radiation. They gave me a circle of plastic to hold with my hands on my chest. It reminded me of a dog toy! Brea, the tech, said their previous device was a pillow cushion with the ends knotted, which is another kind of dog tug toy : )
First they measured my head with calipers. You can insert your chosen joke here about a large head equating to ego or to intelligence (as Richard claims, because like some in his family, he has a physically large head; I always lose when I argue with him, so what does that say?).

The techs took 2 x-rays from either side of my head - for positioning, not for tracking the disease. (Every week I'll meet with the radiation oncologist Dr. Mate to go over my progress. I can guess there'll be a CT or MRI scan at least halfway through, so we can have some pictures to look at.)
I still have my mask from the targeted radiation - which I may use again in 2 months - but for this procedure, they just use a bit of tape across your head to keep it stationary.

I had my eyes closed for the few minutes of actual treatments, but I saw blue lights! Blue lights! I know I can imagine lights and nectars, but I'm still pretty literal - the IV chemo tends to be medicine nectar, and radiation tends to be healing lights. Blue is of course a Medicine Buddha color. More healing coming into me.

Last they also took a regular old digital photo of my face. I've gotten so many other kinds of images of myself these last month. This one was the same kind you'd take of a friend. When we walked in today, the staff already knew Richard and me by name, but like more offices these days that are doing everything they can to make you feel welcome, so they put your picture on file so everyone can recognize and help you.

Updated Online Treatment Calendar

2011-01-13T09:08:00.000-08:00

I think I got it right.
Go to http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=5jev7gggss3ag66gnjeakm5bi0%40group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Los_Angeles
or see the permanent link in the sidebar at right

Cast of Characters: My Medical Team

2011-01-13T07:48:00.001-08:00

In case you're having trouble keeping track of who's who (Radiation Oncologist #1 vs. #2, Medical Oncologist vs. Gynecological Oncologist), I set up a webpage:
http://whoswhoonmyhealingteam.blogspot.com/

When I can find a nice picture of Medicine Buddha, I will add him : )

Like predicting the weather

2011-01-13T06:41:00.000-08:00

Cancer patients talk about prognosis and statistics and how much to pay attention to them. It occurs to me it's like predicting the weather - I like knowing what's forecast, even though it's often wrong. At least I can be prepared.
In the US Pacific Northwest the weather is very changeable. I almost always have a jacket with me, just in case there's rain. We like to say, "If you don't like the current conditions, just wait 5 minutes" (ha ha!).
I understand that meteorologists - and doctors - are doing their best, and that they say there are so many different factors that can dramatically change things.

For example, this country has had some crazy unexpected weather this winter: Snow in places that rarely get snow. Really bad snow in places that regularly do get snow. That's not even including the terrible fires in Russia and Israel, flooding in Europe, and all the other weather-related disasters. You hear about hurricanes headed for cities that end out far off at sea.
In my area this week, experts thought we might be getting a bad storm. We did get some snow, but it quickly turned to rain and melted away.

Of course, we'd all like our lives to be full of pleasant sunny days, but if we have to experience bad weather, may it quickly melt away.

The other part of this analogy I'd like to mention is handling it. There are places that plan for, say, snow, and it's not a big deal when they get a lot of it.
Also if you can accept that you're stuck at home, you can be warm and comfy and rested - accepting fatigue might be like that too. Sometimes you have to give in.
I know how to go deep inside, with my Guru, where I am safe no matter what happens. I can feel blessings pouring down, holding me up, so that I am not worried.
One of my favorite stories is about the Catholic priest Mychal Judge who died in the Twin Towers on 9/11. He was known for saying, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him what you're doing tomorrow." We can make plans, but hold them loosely. We're not really in control, although we like to play driver when we can.

I'd like to think my spiritual and mental preparations, along with my great medical team, will help me be to take care of the snow if it does fall. I have a "Girl Scout" mentality - I like to be prepared (lots of info, living will, priorities in order, etc., of course, and definitely Buddha, Dharma and Sangha).

Radiation / Chemo "Sandwich"

2011-01-12T19:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the month-long sabbatical. I should have been keeping you posted, because now things are getting busy again.
Today Richard & I spend 9 hours at various doctors, mostly waiting.
I started chemo last week and had a smaller treatment today too. Tomorrow I begin 4 weeks of mild, whole-brain radiation every weekday. I'll continue to get chemo - hence what one of my doctors called the "sandwich."
My analogy is serving criminal sentences concurrently.
The side effects of the radiation are fatigue, problems with memory and concentration ("radiation brain" anyone?), and hair loss. Well, I was already was going to lose my hair from the chemo, so that doesn't really count (I think the sentencing analogy holds).

Friday I'm also having a scan of my full spine, just to make sure nothing's in there that shouldn't be. My oncologist also mentioned a spinal tap, although that's not on the schedule yet.
... All because of mild neck pain, going up along my left ear and around my eyeball socket. It's something you'd almost forget to mention to a doctor, but it led to a brain MRI last week, which showed I have some diffuse tiny tumors in my head - "snow" my one radiation doc called it today - plus 2 more distinct masses they may "spot-weld" with targeted radiation after the whole-brain radiation is done.

I told my oncologist today I had been tired and was feeling "lousy." He corrected me and said the correct medical term is "crappy" ! You can see why I like him. He's also an excellent, and very thorough, doctor. Before Richard and I left his office, at this short pre-chemo appointment, he asked twice if there was anything else he could do for me.
My radiation doc was confident I'd feel better in at least a week or two, after the treatments; my oncologist gave me a prescription (again) for Decadron, with the instruction to call him on Friday about whether it was helping.

There are so many people who need prayers, but I am not too proud to request them, as long as you're making lots of prayers, for all kinds of suffering.

OK, speaking of "sandwiches," I'm going to go get something to eat. ...

Not for the Fainthearted

2010-12-16T11:11:00.000-08:00

If you want to know what end-stage cancer is like for a particular person, there's a very brave woman with ovarian cancer who has a candid blog that includes photos.
It can make your death awareness very specific and help you value your precious human life.
http://shoppingkharma.blogspot.com/2010/12/am-i-wasting-away.html
"As for this journey of mine, they (social workers, nurses, doctors, health care workers) have all told me since I started my hospice care that I would start to notice my body shutting down. The last couple of days we have seen some really rapid changes in me from my weight to much extra skin and no muscle tone? Where did all my muscles go? I am starting to look like this skeleton with skin on it? I used to be so muscular, strong, and so very athletic; now I can't really lift much and have officially hit the double digits as far as my weight is concerned (98lbs). I was thinking that I might survive into next year but now it's seeming like Christmas might just be a real miracle for me. ... "

Poof! Cancer's Gone!

2010-12-08T12:38:00.000-08:00

I was reflecting on the post an info/support ovarian-cancer website I read where a young German woman was told she had very advanced ovarian cancer, there there was nothing the doctors could do . . . and they determined the post was a prank!
Of course, my first thought was, "Who would do that? Why?"
But my next thought was that the cancer vanished! I had this sense of it just disappearing into emptiness.

We hear of spontaneous remissions. Years ago my mother was headed to surgery for a tumor in her lung, and it simply disappeared, never to come back.
We hope for cures to arrive, not without reason.
A good friend had a father with end-stage cancer; he met a doctor with an experimental treatment; and now, decades later, he's expected to die of something else.

I'm not planning my life around that scenario, but I pray for it, and it could happen - for all of us!
When you add in the power of prayer, who knows what could happen?

I am keeping this in mind this week during my Vajrasattva Retreat. If I could purify all my negative karma, the cancer would disappear. Of course, I'm not expecting that to happen in one week of retreat : )

Chemo Schedule

2010-12-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

My first chemo treatment, of Cisplatin and Taxol, will be next Wed at the hospital. It's nice that my insurance is willing to pay for an overnight stay. Assuming all goes smoothly, the rest of the treatments will be at my oncologist's office
I'm on retreat this week, through the end of Saturday - it's a good way to prepare.
Obviously I'm online, and available via phone, in between sessions and work at the Temple if you can catch me. More later. Here's my treatment calendar online:
https://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=5jev7gggss3ag66gnjeakm5bi0@group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Los_Angeles&gsessionid=OK

Michael's Procedure is Tomorrow

2010-12-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

Michael M is scheduled to have his promising but risky procedure tomorrow (Monday).
Please keep your prayers coming that everything will go for the best, for his sake and his family's.

Prayers for Jennifer's Baby-to-Come

2010-12-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

Please pray for Jennifer in Florida, who's expecting to give birth in July but needs your prayers for the baby to survive.

Starting Chemo Mid-Dec

2010-12-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

Just got off the phone with my Medical Oncologist, Kaplan, with the results of yesterday's CT scan.
The scan still showed a few small masses in my abdomen, which we already knew about. One had gotten a bit smaller, one a bit bigger - by a millimeter or 2.
We talked again about chemo, and I decided to start this month, rather than waiting until Jan.

Kaplan's approach is a bit more aggressive than my Gynecological Oncologist, Drescher. Don't take that as a knock on Drescher - I think he's an excellent doctor, with a deep understanding of ovarian cancer, and treating it with chemo. They're two different people - of course, they don't agree exactly on the timing of chemo.
Because I have a few small tumors in my abdomen that are visible on a CT scan, Kaplan is recommending starting chemo a bit sooner - although he said I could wait until after the Holidays if I wanted. I'm learning that it's one thing if your CA-125 tumor-marker blood test starts rising but they can't see anything on a scan (in which case they follow you closely), and being able to see some cancer through imaging. (We're still waiting on the results of my latest CA-125 .)

Kaplan is going to a big cancer meeting next week, so he recommended starting the following week. He said to pick a day for treatments but recommended again Fridays, because Christmas and New Year's are Saturdays. I'm guessing he was suggesting it would be harder to get hold of a doctor then if I needed one.

I'll have Cisplatin every 3 weeks and Taxol every week. His office will schedule those appointments for me.
The initial Cisplatin treatment will be given in the hospital - I'll stay overnight so that they can fill me up with fluids and monitor me. If I sail through that, the subsequent treatments will be outpatient. I don't mind going to the hospital and appreciate I don't have to fight with insurance to get that extra level of monitoring.

P.S. I got the CT scan on a Saturday, not because it was urgent, but because the office wanted the weekend business. For me, it was better to do it on the weekend than have to miss a retreat session this week. Likewise, Kaplan called me today because he's on call and wanted to get some work done before he has to leave for his conference.

More Prayers for Michael

2010-12-01T20:19:00.000-08:00

Michael M is in the hospital - for 2-3 weeks.
His mind is peaceful. He's preparing for a procedure which could be risky. It may be tomorrow or Monday.
Please keep making prayers for him and his family: Eve, Lily, Polly and Nate.

Report from the "Tumor Spa"

2010-12-01T20:10:00.000-08:00

Had my one radiation treatment today at a place many people compare to a spa. It was very relaxing.

Treatment room - nice, huh? (Radiation machine is out of the photo, at right.)

After the 2 Radiation Techs got me comfortably on the table, with my custom mask to keep my head in position and a nice warm blanket, they turned on Medicine Buddha so that I could listen to the prayers during treatment.

My Neurosurgeon checked the radiation plan again with my Radiation Doctor.

The robot arm swung around my head in various positions, getting at the tumor site from different angles and distances - that part surprised me - I thought it would all be the same, but actually it varied from about 1-2' from my head. There was a quiet noise while the GammaKnife was running. Fifty minutes later I was done.

Their whole office is nicely decorated, which isn't the main thing, but it is something. The waiting room and the exam rooms are tastefully done - no sterile white here anywhere. There are even some Japanese accents. You can get a small sense of that from the photo above.

They also have an excellent selection of magazines in the waiting room. The staff is very competent and friendly. The nurses are excellent. Most of all ...

My radiation doctor is the best. I got to see her after the treatment, to talk about follow-up. I also asked her a few questions about chemo and genetic testing. At the end she gave me a hug. She could teach other docs on bedside manner. Even her "chairside manner" is very warm and positive.

She welcomes questions and answers them clearly - I, who have many questions, really appreciate that in a doctor. In fact, I'd go to someone else if I wasn't happy with that - a luxury we have in Seattle because there are so many good doctors to choose from.

Normally they want to see you in a month, but she said if I'm doing well, a call is fine.

They'll track me every couple of months with brain MRIs (the noisy test).

The white machine at right is the the robotic GammaKnife that delivers radiation from all different angles.

Tomorrow afternoon I see my oncologist to talk about chemo. ...